Identification Of Offenses:

Identification Of Offenses:
If you can't identify it and describe it you can't change it

We all have patterns of behavior and habits, personality traits, character profiles, and processing methods that we use to cope with the stresses and situations of life. Each of us has a personal taste as to what pleases and displeases us. And, some of our coping methods will probably irritate our mate. In other words, there is often a deep part of our strategy of life that is in conflict with our mate’s personal sense of taste.

While it is good to choose a mate who is not offended by your life coping mechanisms, such wishful thinking or good advice is irrelevant after one is already committed to marriage.

Thus, the only real solution to a marriage where there is tension over personal coping strategy is to engage in a combination of acceptance of old behaviors and establishing new ones.

The process of change involves cleaning out old and bringing in new patterns. And being real about this, that's hard. It took us 20 years to become adults and develop enough habits that we could function in the world. It's just plain difficult establishing new habit patterns when we've done the old one for many years. So, let's be realistic about change, it takes time. You have your gripes with him/her and he/she has his/her gripes about you. So, how do we clean out the old? It won't go away just by wishing, and usually praying won't make it happen unless you go out and do something too (remember, it's faith and works). So, what kind of works, works? The first step is a no holds bar inventory of the stuff that you've been holding inside forever against that person you want to love, but who simply causes you just too much pain. The first step in cleaning out the old stuff is to write it all down, make a list, just get it all out. And when you think of some more stuff, write that down to. When you get it all down, written, documented, you don't have to hold onto it anymore. You don't have to keep mulling it over and over inside, proving you were right. You don't have to justifying how wrong he/she was to have done this or that, or not done this or that, or what a horrible character flaw he/she has, or how boring, or boorish.

There is one area that is off limits. The personal characteristics that they can't change, e.g. big nose, small breasts, plain Jane face, atrophied body... those are the things that God was in charge of. If you've got a list of those, then make a separate list, and that list if just for you. It's your list that you work on just giving to God for Him to help you change to love him/her anyway. He/she must never see that list. It's your job to learn to love the things that can't be changed. We'll work on that later.

Equipment list for Offense/Appreciation Charting:
a. Two (2) loose leaf notebooks (one for him and one for her) --
b. A package of notebook paper with 3 holes punched in the side
c. A package of page tabs that you can write on and stick on the edge of your notebook paper

1. First List: Make a raw list, no organization, no order of severity, no time limit, no censoring: Write down every offense your mate has ever committed, and the ones you are afraid he/she will do.
-- Single page, or many pages, just keep writing item after item, enough detail to identify it and know that you have it down, so you don't have to think about remembering it.

a. List all the past hurts.
b. List all the things the that he/she currently still does.
c. List all the things that he/she used to do that were good, but he/she doesn't do anymore.
d. List the big ones offenses that are simply too big to ever forget or forgive.
e. List the things that you are afraid that he/she might do that he/she has never done, given his/her character and past offenses.
f. List the things that you are afraid he/she will do again, because he/she did it before.

2. Elaboration of the detail:
Write an elaboration of each of the important hurts and/or offending behaviors that you listed in your raw list of "all offenses"
--Use a full sheet of paper for each offense. Really get detailed about this. Describe the hurt as completely as possible. List the following:

a.     What: List the specific behaviors that are offensive
b. When: How often and for what duration does each behavior occur?
c.    Where: In what situations does each behavior occur?
d.     How: How severe is this behavior, how irritating is it? (Use severity evaluation scale of 0-10 to rate severity)
e.      Why is this behavior offensive?

i.      Reminder of past unpleasant situations
ii.      Interferes with accomplishing goals
iii.      Interferes with personal desires for use of time or space
iv.      Offends sense of personal taste, esthetics, or order
v.      Potentially unsafe or life threatening behavior
vi.      Economically high consequences
vii.      Ego diminishing effects (feel demeaned, unimportant, unloved, disrespected, abused)

f. What would be the behavior that would fill your heart, heal you, put you at rest, make you feel wonderful and new again? What could he/she do instead that would make you feel good again.

Now the next part is only applicable if you have a partner that will do this project with you. He/She is going to need to look at one of your sheets, and know how you felt about one of his/her offenses, hurts, behaviors, habits, and/or deficiencies.

If your mate won't do the work with you, then do the next step yourself. Ask your mate what it is that you do that offends him/her, and then write an explanation of why you do what you do that causes your mate pain.

3. Evaluation/Explanation of why this behavior is important (Offending Party)
This step is a change of direction, and it is meant to be done by your mate.
a. Give your mate one of the "Full Elaboration" sheets that you have written. Make sure it is something safe enough to discuss. Resolving a small one is easier than resolving the "big one".
b. Elaborate all

--This exercise will be in your partner's notebook.
--Use one full sheet of paper (of more if necessary)
--Examine why you what you do, even though your mate finds it offensive or hurtful.
--Get it all out, why do you do what you do? Let him/her know if you like it, you would quit if you could, or if you do it just to retaliate, whatever the reason, be honest. This is really why you do it, or why you did it way back then. Be real now, if you didn't have a reason for doing it, you wouldn't have done it. Even if it was something as simple as, I did it by accident, I wasn't paying attention, I forgot. Whatever is true, that's true.
--Remember, there are levels of motivation and payoff. Some things came as drives from your childhood, and you never got over it. Some habits and behaviors are just random stuff that you picked up here and there. And other habits stay there just our of laziness; they came naturally, and you would like to change, but you just keep doing it that way because you don't want to go through the pain of changing.

a.    What value does it add to life to do this particular behavior?
b.    How is life more manageable as a result of using this strategy?
c.    Evaluate the importance of that behavior to the personal coping strategy
(0-10 scale; 0 = no investment whatsoever; 5 = moderate investment; 10 = integrated fully into life, vitally important to function).
d.     How difficult would it be to change that behavior?
(0-10 scale; 0 = no effort; 5= moderate discipline; 10 = impossible, simply unattainable, hardest)
e. Where did you pick up this habit? When do you remember first doing it? Why do you keep doing it?
f. How motivated are you to change and adopt the behavior your mate wants you to replace it with?

4. Negotiating a mutually acceptable strategy for change and/or accommodation: (Both parties)
--Use one sheet of paper listing the methods of coming to a mutually acceptable solution:
--Put this in the

a. Option 1: Eliminate the Offending Behavior by the offender -- adopt the request of the offended party without question or qualification. It simply needs to change, he/she is right, I was wrong, and it's time to change. I'll do everything possible to make it happen. I need to be reminded, but I want to change, and I'll do it.
b. Option 2: Modify the Offending Behavior so that it is less frequent, or less strongly manifested. All options that are chosen, are acceptable to both parties.
c. Option 3: Explore Other Options. Find an acceptable alternate behavior that might not be optimum, but is acceptable to both parties.
d. Option 4: Trade Behaviors. I'll accept one of yours if you'll accept one of mine. Each of you has behaviors that are irritating to the other person. So, recognize it, accept it, and realize that you have paid for your behavior by accepting one of his/hers in return. This option is perfectly suited for keeping score. It is possible to keep track of who gave what, and how much sacrifice was involved. If you are going to keep score, at least make it so that it comes out even. Keeping score so you can complain, or feel bad, or feel superior, or document what a victim you are is not that productive, and not the point of this score keeping system.
e. Option 5: No Change, Just Accept It. The offended party realizes that he/she had misinterpreted the behavior as offensive, but was able to reframe it, understand the context and intent behind the behavior and truly accept that in fact this behavior was benign.