Confrontation
Dealing with Offense, Hurt, Anger, and Injustice

1)     The hurt created after a violation makes it impossible to simply forgive, forget, and go on without repentance or the debt being paid.
2) The debt must be paid, either by transferring it to another for payment, or by repentance and restitution.

Dealing With Offenders

1)     There is a gradient intent, culpability, and seriousness of violence:

a.      Intentional Malice & Gleeful Evil
b.     Revenge
c.     Administration of just punishment for training and justice
d.     Mischief, entertainment, petty violations of property or reputation
e.      Accidental/careless action causing bodily harm or property damage
f.       Hurtful words causing emotional pain
g.     Aggressive and hurtful body language, gestures, and tones
h.     Spiritual curses

Violations are not all of the same level of importance or damage.  Some violations are so severe that the threat to safety is so great that continued relationship would violate the commandment to honor the temple that God has given us.  In other words, there is no requirement for a physically abused spouse to maintain a shared residence.

Culpability:

There are multiple reasons why a person would want to violate the space of another human.  There are many factors that can contribute to the passions that a person may feel, which in turn may cause him/her to act in a manner that is non-relational.  Some misbehavior is so serious as to be judged criminal, and societal institutions largely deal with this behavior by removal of strong offenders from the public life.  But, the more benign offenders of physical and psychic space live among us and torment those around them with impunity.  Some offenders are extremely self-righteous and insist that all those around him/her are too sensitive, or mistaken in their perception of offense.  Some offenders are extremely self-conscious and self-critical of themselves and recognize their offense at the slightest hint of disapproval.  Such people tend to be the victims of the first type, and the two often pair together as a couple, one needing to be right, and the other feeling deserving of criticism.  All this to say that everyone who offends someone else has a story, a reason, a set of strengths and weaknesses that must be understood and heard just as much as the person’s feelings and story who was offended.  It can never be assumed reflexively or axiomatically, that the person accused was in fact the abuser/space-invader/culpable party.  In general, assume that if there is a complaint by one, a self justification by the other, that both parties have some negotiating to do – there is an area of undeveloped affinity, rapport, blending, understanding, and bonding.  When there is understanding, there can be compassion and forgiveness, because we know the weakness of the flesh. 

Consider the following weaknesses that can diminish a person's ability to behave in a perfectly Godly manner.

1)     There are states of reduced culpability

a.      Mental illness

i.      Disorders usually first diagnosed in Infancy, Childhood, or adolescence

• Mental Retardation, Learning Disorders, Motor Skills Disorder, Communication Skills Disorders, Pervasive Developmental Disorders, ADD and Disruptive Behavior Disorders, Feeding and Eating Disorder of Infancy and Early Childhood, Tic Disorders, Elimination Disorders
  

ii.      Delirium, dementia, amnestic, and other cognitive disorders.

• Dementia: Alzheimer’s, Vascular, HIV, Head Trauma, Parkinson’s, Huntington’s, Mad Cow, Substance use
• Amnesia: Substance use
  

iii.      Mental disorders due to a general medical condition

iv.      Substance related disorders

• Alcohol, Amphetamine, Caffeine, Cannabis, Cocaine, Hallucinogens, Inhalants, Nicotine, Opiods, Phencyclidine, Hypnotic/Sedative/Anxiolytics
  

v.      Schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders

• Paranoid Schizophrenia
• Disorganized
• Catatonic
• Delusional
• Brief Psychotic Disorder
• Substance induced psychotic disorder
  

vi.      Mood disorders

• Depressive disorders
• Bipolar disorders
  

vii.      Anxiety disorders

• Panic disorder, with/without agoraphobia
• Agoraphobia
• Specific phobia, Social Phobia
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
• Acute Stress Disorder
• Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Anxiety due to medical Condition, Substance Induced Anxiety
  

viii.      Somatoform disorders

• Somatization Disorder
• Conversion Disorder
• Pain Disorder
• Hypochondriasis
• Body Dysmorphic Disorder
  

ix.      Factitious disorders

x.      Dissociative disorders

• Amnesia, Fugue, Identity Disorder, Depersonalization
  

xi.      Sexual and gender identity disorders

xii.      Eating disorders

• Anorexia, Bulimia
  

xiii.      Sleep disorders

• Dyssomnias: Insomnia, Hypersomina, Narcolepsy, Breathing related sleep disorder, Circadian rhythm sleep disorder
• Parasomnias: Nightmare disorder, sleep terror disorder, sleepwalking disorder,
  

xiv.      Impulse-Control disorders

• Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Kleptomania, Pyromania, Pathological Gambling, Trichotillomania
  

xv.      Adjustment disorders

• With depressed mood, anxiety, disturbance of conduct
  

xvi.      Personality disorders

• Paranoid
• Schizoid
• Schizotypal
• Antisocial
• Borderline
• Histrionic
• Narcissistic
• Avoidant
• Dependent
• Obsessive-Compulsive
  

b.     Genetic defect or family heritage

• Chromosomal defect from parents
• Drug damage (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Crack baby)
  

c.     Spiritual possession, spiritual allegiance

• Pagan religion, false gods
  

d.     Experience of past severe trauma & childhood abuse

• Sexual Abuse
• Physical Abuse
• Accidents, surgery, trauma, illnesses
  

e.      Family training in behavior

• Spoiled and undisciplined, unwilling to accept limits and restrictions
• Excessively disciplined, timid, afraid to take risks
• Ego puffed up by false praise
• Ego diminished by harsh criticism, unwilling to accept
  

f.       Societal standards

g.     Education, training, indoctrination

• School,
• Growing up under wrong/oppressive social/economic models (Taliban, USSR...)
• Brainwashing, Cult indoctrination, false religions
  

Taste, Preference, and Offense:

The next category of offense is the substance and center around which all offense originates. Everyone had as sense of ownership and propriety about:

1) How they occupy their time, and what they include in their time
2) How they organize their space, what the include in their space, and how they handle their property

There is a certain amount of individuality in how people organize time and space. And, there is a fairly general sense of a cultural norm as to what is considered a socially acceptable organization of space and time. In other words there are individual and societal standards as to what is tasteful organization of objects (e.g. consciously organized versus randomly scattered about). The exact organization and preference may vary from person to person, but with a large enough sampling of people, each culture will show a typical gaussian distribution around a central mean. There will probably be differences in preferences between cultures. And, undoubtedly there will be differences in preference between the sense of taste and esthetics found desirable between people within a culture.

Problems arise between people because of disagreements in how to organize, fill, dispose of time and space when it is shared. In a free society, the restrictions on behavior are sufficiently loose that a fairly broad spectrum of individual behavior is tolerated. The legal system is a codification of restricted and proper public behavior by members of that society. Offenses to that society are handled by the legal system.

But, an informal legal system will arise in every close relationship such as family, roomates, work crew, and business partners. Rules will be made, police will detect offenses, courts with judge and jury will try and sentence, executioner and prison guard will extract punishment. Such a system will arise in every group of two or more people gathered together anytime the common space is sufficiently close that compromise must be made to avoid offending one of the space-sharing-partners.

The big invasions of space and time such as: rape, murder, and theft are embedded into the human psyche as wrong and catalogued by God in the Commandments as part of the most basic limits to proper interpersonal behavior. But, the more subtle space invasions such as "where is the proper place to set the knife and fork" are cultural and individual preferences.

Given the near infinite number of circumstances where offense could be generated, it would be nearly impossible to categorize all of the rules and proper behavior. Thus, Jesus has given us the law which governs all human interactions.

Luke 10:25-28 One day an expert in religious law stood up to test Jesus by asking him this question: "Teacher, what must I do to receive eternal life?" Jesus replied, "What does the law of Moses say? How do you read it?" The man answered, "'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.' And, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" "Right!" Jesus told him. "Do this and you will live!"

In this verse Jesus has in effect said that we are to love God, and love our neighbors as ourselves. This has been translated into the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." The most important and tangible way we can love God is to follow His laws. And with regard to our fellow humans, the most tangible and verifiable way of loving them is to treat them as we want to be treated. Thus, we have two simple parameters by which we can use to measure our love of God and man. We follow God's laws if we love Him. And, we do our best to please each other.

The problem comes when two people have extremely different desires. To resolve the conflict the two must negotiate. Each one advocates for himself to get as much as he can, and give only as much as is necessary. But, the real fullness of relationship comes when two people really want to give each other as much as possible within the limits of what they can tolerate. It is in this stretching of limits that love grows, affinity grows, and treasure is deposited in the heart.

Thus, confrontation becomes a loving expression, an informing of your partner that you hurt, that you need assistance to soothe the pain that only he/she can administer. Confrontation is really a cry for help, a signal that I have come to my limit of giving. I want to give more, to accept more, to enrich your life more, to sacrifice more for your pleasure, but I have come to my end, I now need to be served. Thus, confrontation can be done with kindness, with humility, with gentle disclosure. The confrontation is not so much about my sense of offense, but my limits of giving, my weakness of flesh and soul.

When viewed in this way the stigma against confrontation can be lifted. If I am timid about confronting you because I am afraid that I might hurt your feelings, I need no longer need avoid confronting you out of that fear of confronting you. Instead, the confrontation becomes an expression of my weakness, a disclosure of my limits rather than an exposure of your flaws. Confrontation is thus a time when I can be humble. I know that when I am made low, that I am being placed in a position where I can be lifted up in honor.

So, go ahead and risk, be vulnerable, confront your hurt, disclose your weakness, and ask to be served. Say how you feel, and ask for what you want. If you don't ask, you probably won't get what you want. Remember to say it with love, care, humility, and gentleness. People love to help and serve a person in with a sincere need who has done everything possible to help himself.

© Thomas Lee Abshier, ND 2001
Last Modified, 11/25/2001