CREATING CHANGE:

Negotiation:

1)     The goal of negotiation is to establish commitments regarding future performance that is acceptable to both parties.

• Find out what specific behavior could replace the old “offensive” one.
• Agree to the behavior if it is acceptable as a new behavior.
• Work on establishing a new habit pattern in each of these areas.
• Practice the behavior after it has been requested, agreed upon, and modeled by the offended partner.

2)     It is necessary to commit to spend time each week reviewing the “Violation Checklist – Offense Log

•   This must be done with the purpose and spirit of attempting to establish behaviors that will meet each other’s needs
• Discuss, understand, and elaborate each item listed as being offensive, hurtful, or otherwise disturbing
  • Fully understand the situation
  • Fully examine and understand why the “violator” engaged in this particular habit/action
  • Recognize that there is a positive purpose for every choice.  This positive purpose may in fact be deluded and be serving darkness, but at the time of doing the action, it was seen as useful or productive in some way.
  • Recognize fully the hurt and pain of the “receiver of the violation/hurt”.  Understand why he/she perceived this action as hurtful.

Behavior Modification:

To shape behavior from an old habit to a new behavior

1.     Give appreciation of each small step toward changed behavior. 
2.     Give appreciation for intention and vows toward new behavior, but note the deficiency in performance.
3.     Give withhold approval or reinforcement or give disapproval and/or correction of repeated wrong or unchanged behavior
4.     Administer punishment of rebellious or purposefully destructive behavior
5.     Set up the goals prior to beginning the training if there is agreement established.
6.     If the “trainee” is unaware that he/she is being trained then simply give reinforcement and withhold it at the appropriate times and let him/her learn to do the new behavior subconsciously (this is the method used on animals and small children who cannot cognate the concepts of correct behavior).

Modeling:

Use a demonstration of desired behavior in situations where personal style is an issue. For example:

1.     Tone of voice & Gestures
2.     Procedure or method of doing a task
3.     Phrasing & pronunciation
4.     Manners

Modeling should be done as follows:

1.     Identify that there is something that you want changed
2.     Get agreement that the change is to be made
3.     Demonstrate the new behavior and describe it (Teach it and Show it)
4.     The “offender” will then practice doing it
5.     The offended party is the judge of whether the new behavior is adequate or not
6.     Give praise/appreciation if the behavior was improved
7.     Demonstrate behavior again if it is close, but not perfect
8.     Continue practicing until the behavior has fully changed, or reached a stable level
9.     Practice doing the new behavior on your own

Establishing/creating Love/Affinity:

1)     Sharing common interests

• Spend time listening to, understanding, and participating with your partner about his/her work
• Spend time and effort on planning and dreaming together about desired goals
• Sacrifice individual time to attain
  

2)     Developing appreciation and affinity for his/her habits

3)     Sharing common dreams and support of individual goals

• Be a cheerleader of your mate’s dreams and goals, helping him/her to stay on track
• Rejoice with his/her victories, and cry with his/her defeats
  

4)     Sharing and enjoying pleasant experience together

• Sharing time, conversation, and projects together
• Enjoy each other sexually, and meet each other’s needs
• Purposefully do those things that are fun, pleasant, enjoyable for your partner
  

5)     Overcoming

• Enduring hardships, supporting emotionally and physically to overcome those times of pain
• Blending incomes, and resources
  

Sickness, loss, financial limitations and reversals