Charting Categories:
Template/Example

Organization of the Body/Mind/Spirit Categories and Subcategories

1)     Major Body/Mind/Spirit Category
a)     Specific Category
i)       Examples of types of offense

How to use this “Offense & Appreciation Charting System”

A.   Note an offensive behavior done by your partner
B.    Use one sheet of paper to record each specific offense (e.g. leaving the garage door unlocked, speaking in an unkind tone, angry outburst, thoughtless mistakes, forgotten obligations, careless attitude resulting in something breaking, messy room, chores not done)
C.   Place each sheet in a loose-leaf binder under the appropriate Category and Subcategory
D.   Record on each individual “offense page” the following information:
1.     Estimate of the total # of occurrences of that particular offense during the entire relationship
2.     Estimate the frequency or range of frequencies of this violation (#/day, week, mo, #/wks to #/months)
3.     Record your recollection of the most significant specific instances of this offense
4.     Estimate the personal sense of significance of each specific offense using the 0-10 scale below
5.     This above information should be done twice, on two different sheets of paper:
a. The offended person’s perspective of the story
b. The offender’s perspective of the situation
6.     Record additional instances of that offense after that item has been described in terms of its past characteristics,

Estimate the Frequency of the Offense:
(How often has this offense happened in the past?)
(A range, is acceptable, e.g. 3-5)

1)     Never -- does not ever occur and is not an issue
2)     Once a year
3)     Every few months
4)     Once a month
5)     Every few weeks
6)     Once a week -- occurs moderately often
7)     Every few days
8)     Every day
9)     Every few hours
10) Several times an hour
11)  Always -- occurs continuously

Estimate the Severity, Importance, and/or Significance of this Offense:
How significant is this particular offense in terms of personal taste and/or disturbance of the relationship

1)     Not an issue
2)     Vaguely aware
3)     Noticeable, occasionally notice for a moment
4)     Aware of the issue but don't dwell on it
5)     Definitely notice, and catches attention
6)     Moderate issue, annoying, important
7)     Irritating, disturbing, wish it would stop
8)     Cases distraction, focuses attention, this must change
9)     Causes internal discomfort, barely tolerable, consuming
10)Causes emotional/physical/mental pain, not tolerable for much longer
11)The most severe issue, debilitating, absolutely intolerable, must be resolved, no compromises are possible

Making the list is a valuable and transforming exercise by itself.  But, for it to have the most benefit to the relationship, there must be a negotiation about the offense where both parties are heard and understood.  There must be a sharing, and a deep understanding by both parties as to:

1)     What actually happened? 

2)     What were the reasons and motivations behind the offending behavior?

3)     Why was the behavior offensive to the offended party?

”Offense Log” Organization
(Organizing the entries into a natural order)

1)     Inner Spiritual Man
a)     Attitudes, Beliefs, Alliance

b)    Conscience

c)     Fruit of the Spirit

d)    Morals

2)     Mind:
a)     Memory

b)    Focus

c)     Processing

d)    Perception

3)     Heart
a)     Will

b)    Discernment
c)     Imagination

4)     Emotions
a)     Anger

b)    Fearful

c)     Detached

d)    Depressed

e)     Prideful

f)      Hurt

5)     Personality, Disposition, Character, Approach
a)     Changeability

b)    Risk Taking

c)     Extrovert/Introvert
d)    Judgmental/Acceptant
e)     Intuitive/Concrete

6)     Actions
a)     Mannerisms

i)       Odd behaviors

ii)     Expressions

iii)   Social Graces -- Manners

b)    Annoying habits
i)       Repetitive Behaviors

ii)     Obsessive Behaviors: OCD

iii)   Unawareness

iv)   Energy level

7)     Word/Speech/Listening
a)     Speech

b)    Listening

c)     Tone of voice