Rapport Confrontation & Change

I. Rapport: (Active Listening)

A. Me listening to You:
(I listen to the other person & understand what they are saying)

1. First level of understanding -- Get the facts:

What is it the other person saying? (Who, what, when, where, how, and why)
Repeat back what they said, in paraphrase form. Attempt to capture the most important points.

2. Second level of understanding -- Get the heart:

Restate what I believe was the heart/intent of the statement.
Ask him/her, "Is that correct?" Did I understand what you said and what you were feeling? Do you feel I really "got" you?
What is his/her motive for saying it?
What are the reasons justifying their opinion?
Are they motivated by past pain or habit in their current behavior or comments?
Do you believe this person has been honest in telling you what they want?
Make notes of points you want to make so you can present your point of view after you have fully understood your partner's.
Compliment your partner, tell them how much something makes sense, "I really understand why you would react like that if you had (felt that was going on, had that happen before, thought I was doing that …)"
Do they know they are understood?
Take a break for a few minutes to "center yourself" if you feel you are getting out of control, emotional, overwhelmed, disoriented, or too passionate.

B. You listening to me:
(I am understood for what I have said, and my intent)
(What is it I have to say? Do I feel understood?)

Temptations:
(Improper conversational motives, tactics, responses, methods)

Demanding Acceptance -- expecting to be heard without caring about the point of view of my conversational partner
Immediate Responses -- When there is no connection of the heart, when the desire is domination, pressing my agenda, and winning
The Oracle of Truth -- demanding agreement with my logic and/or perception as THE Truth.
Taking a posture of inferiority -- my perspective is not important, therefore I feel dominated
Taking a position of superiority -- only my perspective is important, therefore I dominate
Immediate/Reflective reaction -- Hot buttons (past pain, reminder of time of pain or fear)
Anesthesia -- using drugs of any sort to cover the pain of relationship (any addictive behavior)
Projecting -- attributing motives to the other person (i.e. projecting my motives on someone else)
Negation -- assuming they couldn't think or feel what they feel because I don't feel or think it is sincere.
Abandonment -- Leaving as a weapon, trying to hurt by separation
Using "you" statements vs. "I" statements (attributing motives to other people) -- mind reading, projecting
Dishonest Disclosure -- lying, pretending, sarcasm, facetious
Patronizing -- listening but minimization as naive, unimportant
Instant Defense -- rationalization, defense, example, argument without understanding partner's view

II. Confrontation:
(Challenge to look at the behavior or belief)

A. Comparison of Requests

What is your level of need for your solution?
What is my level of need of my solution?
What is the score? (How many times have you gotten your way vs. how often I have gotten mine?)

B. Temptations:

Not saying what I want.
Pretending to give, but not doing it with a giving heart.
Not admitting how important an issue is to me.
Not giving as much as I'm taking because of having a giving, yielding, forgiving pleasing partner.
Hard confrontation of motives when there has not been a gentle tentative confrontation first.
Defensiveness when being asked a question tentatively.

III. Change:
(Adopting new behaviors, action plans, beliefs)

Temptations:

I didn't get everything I wanted and now I'm just going to give up, go silent, be a victim, use covert retaliation, sabotage, withdraw my affection.
I'm going to pretend that I agreed to serve, but I'm going to use it as ammunition.
Using habitual harsh tones and venting whenever I don't get my way.
Lying about your motives, actions, and feelings.