On Earth as it is in Heaven

 

Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
—-
Christian Counselor

Naturopathic Physician

Political Philosopher
Physicist-Theologian-Author

 

—
Marriage & Personal Counseling

Medical Consultations

—

1414 NE 109th Ave.

Portland, Oregon

(503) 255-9500

drthomas@naturedox.com

 

·	What is it the other person saying? (Who, what, when, where, how, and why)

·	Repeat back what they said, in paraphrase form. Attempt to capture the most important points. Speak it in a way that will let them know that you accurately captured their meaning.

·	Restate what I believe was the heart/intent of the statement.

·	Ask him/her, "Is that correct?" Did I understand what you said and what you were feeling? Do you feel I really "got" you?

·	What is his/her motive for saying it?

·	What are the reasons justifying their opinion?

·	Are they motivated by past pain or habit in their current behavior or comments?

·	Do you believe this person has been honest in telling you what they want?

·	Make notes of points you want to make so you can present your point of view after you have fully understood your partner's.

·	Compliment your partner, tell them how much something makes sense, "I really understand why you would react like that if you had (felt that was going on, had that happen before, thought I was doing that …)"

·	Do they know they are understood?

·	Take a break for a few minutes to "center yourself" if you feel you are getting out of control, emotional, overwhelmed, disoriented, or too passionate.

·	Same procedure as me listening to you (above)

·	Demanding Acceptance -- expecting to be heard without caring about the point of view of my conversational partner

·	Immediate Responses -- When there is no connection of the heart, when the desire is domination, pressing my agenda, and winning

·	The Oracle of Truth -- demanding agreement with my logic and/or perception as THE Truth.

·	Taking a posture of inferiority -- my perspective is not important, therefore I feel dominated

·	Taking a position of superiority -- only my perspective is important, therefore I dominate

·	Immediate/Reflective reaction -- Hot buttons (past pain, reminder of time of pain or fear)

·	Anesthesia -- using drugs of any sort to cover the pain of relationship (any addictive behavior)

·	Projecting -- attributing motives to the other person (i.e. projecting my motives on someone else)

·	Negation -- assuming they couldn't think or feel what they feel because I don't feel or think it is sincere.

·	Abandonment -- Leaving as a weapon, trying to hurt by separation

·	Using "you" statements vs. "I" statements (attributing motives to other people) -- mind reading, projecting

·	Dishonest Disclosure -- lying, pretending, sarcasm, facetious

·	Patronizing -- listening but minimization as naive, unimportant

·	Instant Defense -- rationalization, defense, example, argument without understanding partner's view

·	What is your level of need for your solution?

·	What is my level of need of my solution?

·	What is the score? (How many times have you gotten your way vs. how often I have gotten mine?)

·	Not saying what I want.

·	Pretending to give, but not doing it with a giving heart.

·	Not admitting how important an issue is to me.

·	Not giving as much as I'm taking because of having a giving, yielding, forgiving pleasing partner.

·	Hard confrontation of motives when there has not been a gentle tentative confrontation first.

·	Defensiveness when being asked a question tentatively.

·	What is a compromise plan between the two plans?

·	Can I look at my compromise of plan as a gift?

·	Can I truly receive your compromise as a gift?

·	I didn't get everything I wanted and now I'm just going to give up, go silent, be a victim, use covert retaliation, sabotage, withdraw my affection.

·	I'm going to pretend that I agreed to serve, but I'm going to use it as ammunition.

·	Using habitual harsh tones and venting whenever I don't get my way.

·	Lying about your motives, actions, and feelings.