On Earth as it is in Heaven

 

Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
—-
Christian Counselor

Naturopathic Physician

Political Philosopher
Physicist-Theologian-Author

 

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Marriage & Personal Counseling

Medical Consultations

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1414 NE 109th Ave.

Portland, Oregon

(503) 255-9500

drthomas@naturedox.com

 

Rebuilding Romantic Love

 

Regarding difficulties in relationship

The following is a commentary and elaboration on some of the teaching, principles, and philosophy of Dr. Willard Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders www.marriagebuilders.com.

 

Central to Dr. Harley's strategy for renewing marriages is stopping behaviors which diminish the feelings of romantic love such as:

• Dishonesty
• Annoying habits
• Selfish demands
• Angry outbursts
• Disrespectful judgements \

 

Human withdrawal reaction against these behaviors is almost universal. In fact, almost no one would say that such behavior is something they want to do or would like to have done to them. But, nevertheless, we humans engage in some of all of these behaviors. We don't like it, we don't want to do it, but we do it anyway. Why? We know that scripture tells us not to behave in these ways. And, we know bad we feel when we receive such treatment. So, simply knowing that it is wrong, and that it hurts is not sufficient to make us not engage in it.

Romans 7:15 (NIV) I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do -- this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23 but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Clearly there are spiritual forces which tempt us to act in ways that emotionally hurt our mates. And, most of us find the pressure sufficiently overwhelming that we succumb to them at times. But, since the problem is spiritual at its core, we must apply a spiritual solution. But, as humans, we have only limited vision as to how to act effectively in the spiritual universe. Thus, ultimately we must have faith, and trust that our battles will be fought and won as we serve Jesus Christ as our Lord, and submit ourselves as slaves to the Law of God. It is against that inner sin nature which we struggle, and it is by faith that we must oppose it in full obedience to God's Law.

 

But, faith is a limp instrument without works:

James 2:17 (NIV) In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. 18 But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. 19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that--and shudder. 20 You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? 21 Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22 You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did.

Thus, we must act righteously and resist temptation. It is God's Law that illuminates the boundaries of righteous actions and enables us to distinguish between the realms of light and darkness. Forces pulling us into darkness act on our hearts and flesh. But, by choice, by willingly committing our will into servitude to God's Law, and our master, our Lord Jesus Christ, we can have another force operating in our members. All the while we maintain our trust and faith that God is working in the spiritual world to guide us, to give us the spiritual insight to rightly judge and thereby rightly choose the good, in the midst of temptation to engage the bad.

 

In order to resist temptation, we must be aware of those temptations that come toward us. Temptation is another word for seduction. And we are tempted, seduced, and pushed into engaging in love-damaging behaviors. The pressures and temptations can appear as follows:

• We are blinded by the short term pleasure, and minimize the longer term consequences of love-damaging behavior.
• We are overcome by the need for justice, payback, or teaching our partner a lesson.
• We rationalize our retaliatory actions and words as speaking our mind, protecting our space, or justifiable expressions of hurt or anger.
• The overwhelming pain of our hurt emotions and pride can cause us to lose perspective and focus on simply stopping the pain.
• Inflicting pain in return appears to be the most rational and appropriate response to the pain.
• In the heat of conflict, the cost to the relationship is forgotten and the admonitions of counseling and Christian principle are put aside.

 

When we are hurt, our character must be very strong to resist yielding to the temptation in hurtful ways (either by initiating that hurt or reacting in ways that are hurtful). We should firmly commit our hearts to always respond with love (patience & kindness), which will be perceived as a serviceful & giving attitude toward our mate. By focusing on acting in positive ways we will replace the old retaliatory, protective, and self-exalting thoughts, feelings, and actions. Ultimately, the action plan is to overcome bad behavior with good behavior.

 

But, let us further explore the effect of these affection, rapport, and love-diminishing behaviors. They each reduce the amount of felt-love in the violated partner because they cause pain. When there is a repetition of a behavior, to the point that it becomes an expected mode of relationship, the heart can lose hope, and a type of death occurs in the heart. Angry outbursts, the silent treatment, abandonment, insults and name calling all wound the soul.

 

But, what is it to wound the soul? Why does verbal abuse hurt so bad? Clearly there are no physical wounds, and all that have been victim to the taunts and jabs of words know the utter absurdity of the childhood chant of, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." We know words hurt, depreciating judgements hurt, and demeaning attitudes and non-verbal language hurts. How is it that such non-physical insults can cause us so much pain? And what is it that is hurting?

 

The ability to experience emotional pain is an intentional design feature embedded within the human heart. We were created to experience pain and to reflexively withdraw from it. As such, pain warns us of potentially heart damaging behaviors we should cease or withdraw from. And, the experience of a strong emotional pain can damage us, and forever change our responses to life.

 

The damage of the heart cannot be seen as an observable physical lesion. But, there are levels and areas of change in the body-spirit system that are changed by the experience of strong emotional pain. Emotional pain may cause the nervous system reflex circuitry to be re-wired to reflect a new automatic response to a stimuli.

 

The question is "Where is the re-wiring taking place?" Is the body-mind simply a brain/nervous system machine that responds to pain, makes new connections, breaks old ones, and thus transforms from its previous reactivity? Or, is there an additional unseen, metaphysical energy body, an aura or soul body where the pains of life are also perceived and received. A definitive categorization of the substantive nature of the soul is beyond our ability to perceive based on reproducible empirical data.

 

I have given loose definitions to the body, soul, and spirit so as to be able to use these concepts in analyzing God's strategy in designing man.

• The body is the origin of the 5 senses,
• The soul is the domain of the mind, will, and emotions,
• The spirit is the observer.

 

The spirit is the God-like essence that enlivens us all. It is where the true consciousness resides. It enables the experience of the body sensory experience. It is only with the spirit that we are capable of perceiving the activity of the mind, will, and emotions. It is only because we can observe and use the consciousness innate to the spirit that we can perceive any of the sensory, mental, or emotional stimuli generated by the neural circuitry of the body.

 

Emotions strongly influence our thoughts, commitments, and actions. Often, the way we "feel" will dictate how we use our minds to rationalize action. But, ultimately the mind can make decisions based on commitments, values, principles, and belief rather than by simply following the dictates of emotional reaction. The emotional perceptive, processing, and reactive system can be understood as follows:

• The body/mind/nervous-system reacts to the circumstances of life and generates various emotional responses which are perceived by the spirit/observer.
• The nervous system remembers lessons associated with emotional pain and may thus embed an emotional reflex in the emotional neural circuitry.
• The memory of past emotional pain can result in the avoidance of people and situations,
• The attempt to avoid or stop emotional pain can lead to engaging in habitual self protective behaviors.
• The emotional system can be trained to respond habitually to reinforce commitment to spiritual values, just as it can be a motive force adding passion to logical deductions or hurtful past circumstances.

 

Emotions provide an almost supreme contribution to the significance of humanity's experience of life. Without the sensation of pain and pleasure, all experiences, no matter how victorious or defeating, would all descend to the level of simply a mentally/spiritually perceived observation of "what's so" -- and the significance would be simply a "so what?" Thus, the emotional experience of the human soul is integral to God's design of humanity. Emotional passions, whether they are attractive and repulsive, provide us with both temptation to bad behavior and reinforcement for good behavior. Pain can stimulate us to develop our character, and bring us to a dependence on God to fill in the emotional, mental, behavioral holes of our lives which we are unable to fill by our own efforts. Or, it can descend to the level where we simply succumb to the temptation to resign from participating in life, no longer proactively creating a new and better reality.

 

In relationships, we can strike back, run away, or stand and engage the situations and experience of pain to learn and grow from it. The teachings of Jesus center on overcoming the natural passions of our human nature. A crown is waiting for him who overcomes.

(NIV) James 1:12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13 When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Thus, "behaving right" in the face of the pressure to act badly is an important goal and purpose of our lives.

 

The experience of pain in relationship is universal. But, the internal drive to unite with our other half, to experience the fullness of being in relationship is so strong, that the human heart is drawn almost inexorably into marital pair bonding. Thus, rather than avoiding relationships and their associated pain, we are forced into experiencing endless agony unless we transform our hearts. We must learn the proper and Godly patterns of behavior for there to be peace and to experience the coveted brass ring of marriage -- romantic love.

 

NEGOTIATION:

 

One important process in developing Romantic Love is properly negotiating for our emotional, mental, & physical needs.

• Negotiate in a patient & kind manner.
• State your requests honestly, fully, and without apology.
• You have feelings and needs, and you have a right to share your feelings and ask for your needs & wants to be met.
• You should expect your feelings to be acknowledged.
• You may or may not get your wants met. Your needs should be met, but a discussion may be held as to whether they are truly needs or simply wants.
• The spectrum between needs and wants is wide and subject to individual interpretation.
• The frequency and manner of meeting needs and wants is the heart of the process of negotiation.
• Make requests, rather than demands. Requests embody and demonstrate the posture of asking for a gift, rather than taking property.
• Speak in terms of personal expression such as, "I need" this, and "I feel" you are doing that.
• Body language and tone must likewise indicate that my statements are simply "my requests" and "my feelings" rather than covert demands with consequences such as withdrawal of love or passive aggressive retaliation.
• Realize that each person may have a different concept of what produces a noxious mental, physical, or emotional experience. Thus, what one person finds to be intolerable behavior, another might considered acceptable or desirable by another.
• It is necessary for couples to come to an understanding and acceptance of their partner's profile of pain producing stimuli.
• Recognize that another person's behavior is actually an experience outside one's self. As such it does not intimitely and necessarily affect me. Just separate from it, let it be, and see the behavior as an uninvolved observer, not as a participant.
• Another method of coping with annoying habits is to simply appreciate that annoying behavior as a different expression of life, and view it as unique, special, cute, or something your mate does that makes him/her different from all the rest.
• When there is an impasse in negotiation because of mutually exclusive needs, a separation of territory in a certain area of the marriage may make it possible to continue in relationship.
• When unacceptable behavior is continued, and the offender has no willingness to change, then the offended party may unilaterally implement actions which protect his/her space. Such actions are a message and consequence as much as they are a protective measure.
• It may require divine rearrangement of some emotional neural connections to come to the state of acceptance and even appreciation of some annoying habits and idiosnycratic tastes.
• The best way to feel your mate's annoying habits are acceptable behavior choices is prayer, and personal visualization of oneself
• No compromise or acceptance should be made with behaviors that are unGodly. Such wrong behaviors will have to be done alone, in a totally separate space. The size of the space depends on the seriousness of violation of moral law.

 

While negotiation is important, it is almost impossible for most couples to engage all the "highly mature" concepts mentioned above in the heat of battle, a time when we all have the hardest time being civil.

• Commitment to resolution is the foundational spiritual posture that is necessary for conflict resolution to be successful.
• There must be an underlying willingness to maintain the union.
• The best resolution happens when there is an underlying fondness, respect, appreciation, trust, and love of the other person. When the love is lacking, the negotiation will more likely be perfunctory or power based.

 

PAIN:

 

In general, pain is a signal to the body-mind that something is wrong, and we should either run away, attack back, or in some way modify what we are doing to stop the pain. Pain can be the experience associated with growth and change, or the signal warning of deterioration, damage, and disease. Thus, we must constantly be evaluating our experience of pain to determine its meaning and our proper response. In relationships, emotional pain can represent a combination of damage, warning, and teaching.

The growthful healing pain can appear in many circumstances. It can be consciously administered as a lesson, such as being paddled or put in prison. Or, the lesson can be administered unconsciously, such as when a behavior causes pain to your mate, which in turn causes you pain, which in turn teaches a lesson. Thus, pain can be a teaching experience which calls for a behavior change.

 

Pain can be the result of unjust actions motivated by intent to harm. Pain can be caused by random acts of unconscious error embodying no harmful intent whatsoever. And, pain can be administered purposefully to shape the mind of a child or student. Thus, a proper response to the experience of pain requires that we judge each circumstance as to the meaning of the pain we experience. Thus, the experience of pain cannot be taken as an automatic authorization to return the pain.

 

In relationship, the play of violator and a violated person often occurs. If the circumstances could be seen as a series of events, we might often see a sequence of reciprocal violations. When one person is violated, and then he/she will often hurt the other back as payment. This trading of hurts can become a habit pattern, and any hurt experienced can become a justification for further punishment in return. Thus, often two marriage partners will hold onto their self-righteous positions of innocence, forgetting that they have both been party to vengeance and perpetration, and neither can claim the position of pure victims.

 

THE SELF CENTERED UNIVERSE

 

While it may be possible to judge our innocence from a position of divine omniscience, such judgements are largely unavailable in the heat of a disagreement. And, anger has a strong ability to blind our hearts from recognizing our own truly self-centered actions and attitudes.

 

Thus, most of the problems in relationship can be related to one or both partners being caught in a self-centered universe where his/her needs are seen as the most important thing to be satisfied at that moment. The implications of the self-centered universe must be fully understood to see why this attitude is so damaging.

 

In summary, being lost inside the self-centered universe puts us in the state where the drive to satisfy of our personal needs becomes superior to all other considerations.

The problem evolves as follows: in the self centered universe we are the god of that universe and we make the rules. We define right and wrong, good and bad. Good is defined as all things that benefit self, and whatever I do is "right" by definition. Bad and wrong are defined as those things which cause pain, loss, or inconvenience to self. In the self-centered universe, the negative behaviors that destroy marriage (dishonesty, annoying habits, selfish demands, and disrespectful judgements) are not seen as prohibited or wrong behavior if they produce a payoff greater than the cost.

 

Dishonesty is justified in the "Self Centered Universe". I do not have to be honest in this world because what is most important is that I get my needs met. If I need to lie, cheat, or steal to get my needs met, I will do so. Dishonesty is merely a means to an end of fulfilling the prime directive of the Self Centered Universe, namely, "satisfaction of self at any cost."

 

While in the Self Centered Universe, it is important to suppress others engaging in any of the negative behaviors, but I may engage them all at will. An annoying habit is engaged because it is satisfying to me. Selfish demands are made without hesitation or qualification because they meet "my important needs." Disrespectful judgements are passed upon my partner with confident pronouncement because they come from a place of personal superiority in the relational and personal needs hierarchy.

 

But, the tragedy of living and acting from the place of the Self Centered Universe is that whenever a marriage partner participates in such behaviors, the other partner's soul withdraws in pain from a bonded, resonant, satisfying love relationship. The experience of sustained and strong pain in a relationship is simply incongruent with the experience of warm and safe romantic love. The soul retreats from engaging in bonding, union, sharing, and appreciation of the other who has caused "hurtful" pain.

 

Thus, it is incumbent upon the offended partner to express his/her pain in a loving way (patient and kind description of the pain). Hopefully the offending partner will recognize that he/she has caused pain in his/her partner and will engage in the process of negotiation for the meeting of needs. If the pain is not dealt with in a timely manner, the offended heart will harden to protect itself against future offense. Thus, a layer of protective emotional armor will be put on, which is inherently inconsistent with the experience of romantic, joyous, and vulnerable married love.

 

The bottom line is, that the resolution of moments of pain should be handled before the feelings have had a chance to cool and harden the heart into a state of self-protective withdrawal. This means that a proactive attempt to quickly stop those behaviors must be engaged. The cost of avoidance of confrontation is high. It can cause the death (or deep submergence) of the ability to deeply feel the emotions of attachment.

 

Roots of the Self Centered Universe: Ownership of Space and Territory -- Service versus Slavery

The root of many relationship difficulties comes from being a "taker" instead of a "giver". As long as one's partner feels that he/she has been the victim of a "taker", there is a problem. Notice, it may not be the intent of one partner to "take", but if the other partner perceives that he/she has been "taken from", then an issue has arisen which must be resolved by "negotiation".

 

The whole dynamic surrounding giving and taking is very complex. It is not sufficient that one person intended to give, or that one partner did not think he/she was taking. It is necessary for both partners to commit themselves to negotiating by openly and honestly giving full disclosure of his/her needs and listening with understanding and empathy to the needs of the marriage partner. From that, an agreement can be reached as to what each partner will give, and what each partner will take. In such a scenario, the gift of a behavior that is truly wanted meets a true need. As such, the person becomes valuable and important in the partner's life. In this environment love will grow.

 

A common problem in marriage is that the need felt by one partner is projected onto the other as though the other had the same need or feeling. For example, if I want to get an ice cream, I might project on you that you are also having the need for an ice cream, and so I give you an ice cream cone. But, projecting needs, motivations, and thoughts on a partner is risky, and in counseling parlance it is called mind reading. Such behavior while common breaks relationship, rapport, and intimacy. In essence, mind reading is entering another person's life with the supposed knowingness of what the person is thinking. To presume to know the mind of another, and adamantly declare that I know their thoughts, feelings, or intents is an invasion of the most sacred and private sanctuary of another person's life.

(The issue of confrontation about deception, or self-deception is another issue. Strong confrontation about denial or deception does not imply that the inquisitor actually "knows" the other person's mind. Rather, in such situations the circumstances and other cues are used to deduce that there may be habitual or intentional deceptions or denials involved. But, too often this "hard confrontation" approach is used in relationship as a reflexive and habitual tool of interpersonal leverage to force compliance and the meeting of wants and needs.)

 

The mind of another person is inherently unavailable for direct observation to the outsider. Thus, when confronting another about his/her patterns of thoughts or emotions, it should be done with the greatest of care and respect. In essence, we are entering the holy place of a person's life, and to enter it without proper ritual and cleansing is a violation. Thus, a confrontation about what they were thinking or feeling should be done tentatively. A respectful confrontation sentence would be, "It seems to me that this is what you were feeling/thinking, is that true?"

 

By simply checking out what another person is saying, we are inherently recognizing the authority and ownership they have over their thoughts and emotions. This is in opposition to telling another person what are thinking, which is to take the posture of ownership of their thoughts, and make them a slave to my concepts of their mind. Such confrontations are invasive rather than serviceful, and in general cause pain and a split between the parties. The pain is the pain associated with the ego recognizing that its property had been violated.

 

The principles of Ritual, Law, and Territory inherently influence the desires of the human soul. When there is a trespass or violation of property, the human psyche recognizes this as a type of pain. Various emotional and mental signals will be triggered inside of the violated person, which in turn will show up as physical signs of agitation, anger, or retaliation. It is only the very rare person who does not have a sense of property, ownership, and personal freedom. In such cases there is usually a history of abuse to the point of the soul's desires being crushed and feeling hopeless.

 

The emotional connection between ownership and property should be obvious. Since we own physical, mental, and emotional property, we can have the experience of that "property" taken from us on any of these levels. Taking can be done in many ways:

• Our physical property can be removed from us by force, stealth, or fraud
• Our physical bodies can be invaded by violent attack
• Our physical privacy can be invaded
• Our intimate space can be invaded and the use of our sexuality appropriated without our consent
• Our labor (mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual) can be demanded without regard the cost to us
• Our self-concept can be molded and shaped by those who demean our value while still at an age of defenselessness.
• Our sense of self-appreciation and value can be diminished and demeaned by those with whom we are in an intimate relationship.

 

On the other hand, being a "giver" is serving another person with that which he/she desires, while respecting his/her property and space, and exalting his/her worth.

 

Regarding overwhelming circumstances:

It is hard for us to admit that we are incapable of fully maintaining our survival. Each of us has the underlying drive to survive and to manifest our survival in a self sufficient, personally responsible, and fully effective manner. Our ability to be effective and "do it all" is reinforced by our daily observation of the strong cause and effect relationship between our actions and the outcomes we desire. And in general, if we do nothing, then nothing happens -- or at best the results are unpredictable. Thus, as humans we expect to be in control of our surroundings to maintain our survival. Such an attitude is not evil or bad, but it does put us in a pattern of expectation which makes us virtually blind to the place of God's hand working in our lives. Thus, out of habit or belief in our own effectiveness as agents of action, we engage in taking on the responsibilities that are the domain of action reserved for God's sovereign action alone. Such action is too great for the human will and action to accomplish consistently. The result is the sense of being "overwhelmed" by life.

 

Thus, when in a circumstance beyond the realm of human action, it is an opportunity to say, "God, you are going to have to handle this". This is actually the heart of the Serenity prayer; "Lord give me the ability to change those things I can change, to accept those things I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference." Those things that I cannot change, but nevertheless must be handled on this earth in some way, must be turned over to God for His unseen hands to work amidst the circumstances of life.

 

Such a relinquishing of power and control is not a total disconnecting with the process and the circumstances of God working in our lives. Intense prayer for the object of our need is sometimes required. And, within that prayer we each must be tangibly present with the fact that I cannot force the resolution by my human effort and plans.

 

Having released our cares and responsibility to God, we wait, listen, and watch for our next role in the meeting of our needs. As such, we are engaging in both faith and works as we use our faith while we wait, and engage in works as they are available. Re-engaging with solving the problem in a new way may be the answer to our prayer. But, during our time of waiting, we maintain an attitude of release and resting until we are guided to action by divine inspiration.

 

Inspiration may appear in many forms: the opportunity to act in a seemingly hopeless circumstance may come from a random opportunity. People may come into our lives and offer new perspectives and solutions. Decisions may be made which change the boundaries and limits of what was previously available. Or, there may be a direct divine intervention that physically changes reality. And, sometimes the divine message is that there will be no change. In these circumstances, we adapt our thoughts and attitudes to one of acceptance. But, the acceptance of permanent loss will lead us through another process of faith and works, namely that of experiencing and accepting grief and loss.

 

It is impossible to always be successful in forcing our methods of resolution on life. It is righteous that we maintain a commitment to solving the problems we face in life. But, we must always leave some room in our faith for God's sovereignty. Releasing the intangibles and unknowables of life allows us to walk with the "easy yoke" that is promised to those who believe.

 

How to deal with harsh words in a relationship:

Change a habit of giving disrespectful judgements into a life pattern of bestowing edifying acknowledgements. The heart of the disrespectful judgement is an internal belief that "I know better than the other person what is true, and there is no need to acknowledge or cater to their incorrect perspective -- at all."

 

A fundamental truth about speaking is, "Whatever we say, we believe to be the best thing to say at the moment." In other words, even if a person is lying, and knows he/she is lying, the speaker believed the lie was the best thing to say at the time.

 

By acknowledging what a person says, by repeating back the essence of what they have said, the speaker is validated. At the very least, the speaker is acknowledged to be a participant in life, and as one who makes a difference. It is very important that people have the sense that their words have been received and have made an impact on the world.

 

Asking them for modification of their attitudes, actions, or delivery will be much more likely granted when the request is made with respect, patience, and kindness.

 

Central to getting what you want is asking for it. There is no crime or offense in asking humbly to be served. Without asking for what you want, your chances of getting what you want by random chance are minimal. Ask for what you want with the posture of a grateful and non-demanding recipient. This is not the posture of a beggar, it is the posture of gratitude for a gift which will be given sacrificially. The posture of appreciation touches the positive ego of your mate, and he/she feels respected and appreciated for being a servant. By being a giver as we asked to be served, we stand a better chance of being served in return.

 

But, there is a great temptation to use consequences and leverage to manipulate our partners into giving us the things we want and need. We realize that it is much easier to refuse to serve when there is no penalty or cost associated with ignoring a request. Humble requests which are refused may change to frustrated pleas, and eventually to angry demands.

 

There is a temptation to fear being controlled if we simply give servicefully in response to the humble request. There is the possibility that the willing service we give could be an incentive to the mate to take our giving and willing nature for granted, and simply expect that all services requested will be performed and given. This illustrates the need for each person to always give and take with a fresh, new, and appreciative heart in each transaction. Giving and receiving should be a joyous expression of honoring your mate and making his/her life easier because of the sacrifice and gift.

 

THE ANGRY OUTBURST:

The transaction/exchange of services should be met with a proper level of acknowledgement of the request, either by meeting the need, or negotiating for an alternate solution. If the request is not acknowledged, then the usual sequence is for the intensity of the request to rise, even to the level of becoming an angry demand. At that point many people react with righteous indignation at the angry outbursts of their partner, condemning their partner's angry spirit and unlovely presentation. Superficially this judgement against the angry spouse may seem correct, but a deeper analysis of the sequence and contribution of both parties to the angry response must be engaged before accurate judgement as to who is the more culpable offender can be passed.

 

Angry outbursts are requests for needs being met taken to the point of verbal force. The angry speaker is asking for service, and demanding performance. The angry outburst is the posture of the demanding slave owner. The slave owner has no regard for the feelings or needs of his/her slave. Rather, slaves are property, and as property they are utilitarian, simply tools and objects to be manipulated to produce the desired outcome. We all treat objects in the manner appropriate for the getting the job done. In the case of a "human object" such as a slave we simply administer sufficient emotional/mental violence to force the object to perform properly. The relationship of a master to a slave, or owner to an object, is one type of human relationship. Such relationships are primarily governed by "taking" the desired function from the object or slave.

 

On the other hand, a spirit of mutual service and giving should govern the rules of relationship between peers, lovers, friends, or associates. The needs of all parties in this domain are met by "mutual giving" which springs from the base of honest sharing of feelings, and negotiating for one's needs being met.

 

To change the relationship dynamics, actions, and transactional spirit from "selfish demands" to "mutual giving", it is first necessary to ask for what one wants. And, while asking, to model the desired behavior. An angry outburst in response to an angry outburst is poor modeling, and is seen as hypocritical. First remove the beam from your own eye. (Matthew 7:3) Anger is appropriate at times, but it is a strong seasoning, and a little bit can change the taste of the entire meal. The key is to be slow to anger, and when being angry to sin not (Ephesians 4:26). Central to avoiding inappropriate anger in relationship with your mate is to continue to treat him/her as an actual feeling soul, a real live person with a beating heart and sensitivity to emotional pain. Recognize that your mate truly does have needs that are legitimate, which are not be being met.

 

Relationships are stable and satisfying when there is an equitable two-way give and take of mutual respect for the other's needs. The challenge we face when dealing with an angry mate is how to bring the relationship to that place of satisfying equity. Often one or the other partners will be acting in a selfish and demanding manner. But, by giving the controlling, angry, needy partner real love and consideration, along with a request for a new behavior, there is an increased possibility of bringing the relationship to a loving equity.

 

It is possible that the Angry Outbursts may be coming from a partner who is operating out of a spirit of habitual anger, which is similar to being addicted to control and power. The habit or addiction may have started out quite innocently. In fact, an anger addict may have even truly been a victim of a controller/taker. But, if the victim does not forgive the perpetrator, then he/she may become bitter and habitually angry. Putting the situation of abuse in perspective often facilitates forgiveness and healing about past abuse.

 

Anger that has progressed to being a habit or addiction is an illness of the soul, a defect in the character. It is the challenge of the loving partner to help the afflicted mate to heal. One strategy that can be helpful is to simply observe their behavior. See the show they put on, and know that they are not speaking directly about their inner needs. Being an observer, detached from the drama, allows us to simply let their outburst pass us by without the anger affecting us personally, or scaring our hearts and souls.

 

But, executing the strategy of simply being an observer is often inhumanly difficult, being an academic concept rather than a method that is workable in the daily trenches with an angry mate. Anger, as an emotion that has been directed toward us, reflexively plucks a deep and hurtful chord in our hearts. Anger is a threatening emotion, and it causes us to feel a fear of harm, -- which is at some level a fear for our own survival -- causes us to respond with protective mechanisms in self protective ways. Such pro-survival responses are neurologically hard wired, and we automatically perceive our feelings going into survival mode, either running in fear, or attacking back in anger.

 

Another strategy, which may be more workable than emotionally detaching from the angry mate, is to engage in their anger in a caring empathic manner. From this state of empathy, the angry mate then sees that he/she is being acknowledged and heard in his/her angry pleas for his/her needs to be met. This is the strategy for loving your mate out of his/her addiction. Empathy is not the same as losing yourself inside of their pain. Rather, it is a state of being aware of the hurt, the circumstances causing the pain, and retaining the perspective of life that allows the larger circumstances to be seen.

 

There are a number of factors in evaluating the severity of the anger problem:

• The progression from circumstance to anger can slow or long
• The strength of reaction can be mild to severe
• The duration of the anger problem can be recently acquired or longstanding.

 

The anger problem is more severe when:

• The time from incident to reaction gets shorter
• The outbursts are of longer duration
• The outbursts are of more severe in intensity
• There is a sense of a need to be angry
• There is a sense of pleasure in acting out anger
• There is a sense that there is no control in the acting out.
• When acting out feels unreal, like watching a video screen or watching at a distance.

 

When there is an inability to control the exhibition of anger, there may be an addiction to anger. Some of the drives, motivations, forces, and aversions which catch the human soul in the web of addiction can be:

• The lure of exerting power and control over others
• As a compensation for a sense of being ineffective
• As a reaction to the frustrations of life
• As a consequence of feeling that one has no value
• Disdain for people, processes, places, and life itself
• Excessively exercising the emotion of anger
• Adopting the self image of being a victim
• Perpetually fighting being a victim with strong reaction
• Dwelling on self and personal needs to the exclusion of anyone else's feelings or needs

 

By the time anger has become an addiction, the brain/nervous system has already incorporated the neurochemical stimuli of anger into the fabric of normal physiology and ordinary living. And, to remove it will significantly disrupt the functioning of that person's life, feeling-state, and mental balance. In addictions, the neurochemical stimuli that are normal to the function of life have lost their normal ebb and flow associated with everyday experiences. The addictive neurohormonal stimuli become central to the experience of normal life. In such a circumstance, the angry person is using control or power as a drug, and their need can never be satisfied with any amount of capitulation or slavish compliance with their demands.

 

In recovery from an addiction, it is important, even necessary, to stop using the substance. The nervous system must disconnect from the automatic strong entrainment and biasing of the nervous system caused by excessive or inappropriate use (abuse) of the psychoactive-neuroactive substance.

 

Thus, when dealing with an addict, the primary directive is to not get caught in the mistaken belief that we must comply with their demands in order to help them, make life easier for them, or minimize their pain. To facilitate in relieving their pain is actually a disservice and is called Co-Dependency. In other words, one person is addicted, and the other person helps them meet their addictive needs. Show them love by allowing them to experience consequence. Let the "user" feel the pain associated with their excesses of soulish desire.

 

We must not facilitate them in their "using" behavior by capitulating to their demands, outbursts, threats, or tirades. But, being in relationship with a "user" is an extremely painful experience when they go into "withdrawal". The Alcoholic "DT's" are an example of the general withdrawal syndrome. There is confusion, sweating, shaking, and an intense desire to "use" again to make the symptoms of withdrawal go away. And in general, just a small dose of the drug of choice will produce quite a satisfactory relief of symptoms. Thus, there is a high temptation on the part of the codependent person to give the addict what he/she wants in order to stop the pain, for all concerned.

 

But, ultimately, feeding a person whom is addicted with more of the drug that they desire is unproductive. We simply become their drug supplier and/or the person who helps them tie off the vein while they shoot up. While it is satisfying to the addict for a moment, but there is no permanent resolution of the need.

 

Thus, if your partner is addicted to anger and control, or having only his/her needs met, then the bottom line is that we don't capitulate to the demands of the angry outbursts. It is important to respond with understanding and truly "get" what they feel are their needs. It is important to not take on the role of being a victim of the addict. This is especially true if the user is addicted to power, control, or selfishness. To act like a victim gives the addict a small fix. It isn't good enough to produce real relief, but to whine, to act like a victim, to shrink into depression, or to withdraw from interaction is to give the abuser the drug induced satisfaction of being in control.

 

As the facilitator, healer, coach, friend, or mate of the anger addict, don't let their need to control into your heart. Don't react to their pain in an attempt to control their control with control. Firmness is required. Empathy for their condition is essential as it brings Godly compassion into the situation. It places them in a childlike, helpless, subservient roll, where they must be dealt with as rebellious infants who need love, but firm discipline.

 

See their pain, observe their pain, even feel their pain, but above all, realize that it is their pain, not yours. Filling one's heart with the love and relationship we have for God, and God has for us, can help bring the mate-therapist through the times of love deprivation associated with being the anger-object of a anger-addict spouse. This felt-love relationship with God is the foundational soft spot to fall for a healthy person's relational psyche. In other words, when all else fails, drop back into the arms of God, know that you are loved, safe, and valuable. Humanity, even our most intimate companions, will not meet our needs for love, affection, and appreciation at all times. Thus, it is necessary to relinquish our desire to experience a uniformly satisfactory relational experience in marriage. There will inevitably be periods of unsatisfying interactions that should be confronted gently, requests made, negotiations engaged, agreements reached and implemented into behavior with loving and ongoing support.

 

Thus, a way out of the addiction/codependency interaction is to replace the dynamic with a new set of responses and actions. As a substitute, attempt to perceive and receive the positive motivation that is driving their addictive, selfish, controlling behavior. There may be an underlying sense of powerlessness or emptiness which they are trying to fill. While it may be impossible to meet their demands, it may be possible to confront the source of that feeling of powerlessness. Consider engaging the psychotherapeutic intervention of exploring a person's past hurts, traumas, and dramas.

 

Possibly the spouse has developed the habit of being angry because:

• He/she had a parent who controlled the child strongly, and the child learned the ways of the angry controlling parent,
• The child experienced an incident of extreme or life threatening force, violence, or invasion, after which the child never felt safe, and made a vow never to be out of control again
• The child was simply born strong willed and demanding, and he/she was never controlled or taught self discipline

 

When an angry outburst comes toward you, then simply respond with a caring response. Acknowledge the hurt they feel at not having their particular need met. Apologize for any shortcoming of vow, duty, or promise that you may have engaged. Take the angry outbursts as merely one side of a request for negotiation. So the proper response to their angry outburst is an honest and caring restatement of their "request".

 

Since anger often has multiple layers underneath it, diffusing it by probing for more explanation about the need is helpful in allowing the angry person to discharge their emotion. Essentially we are responding with patience and kindness, love, to the hurtful statement.

 

After the angry person feels fully heard and understood, there is then "space" available for a counter-offer, a request for my needs to be met too. Thus, with both "needs" out on the table, a judgement can be made as to how to maximize the satisfaction of both partners.

In general, an angry outburst is a form of request. It is a request that is more properly and literally called a "command", and it is an attempt by the angry spouse to fill a need or a want for something they feel is missing in their life. It may be the feeling of lack, want, or need for that object of command, or, it may be combined with the need to control another person. But, either way the "request" was delivered in such a way as to make the commanded person into a slave.

 

Typically the person addicted to control will maintain complete denial about his/her need. The use of control/power/selfishness (or any other drug) is so embedded within the psyche, and is so integrated with his/her personality, and physiology, that there is little recognition of the need for this "behavior drug". It has merely become part of their operating system, integral to their psyche's biochemistry. And, when there is withdrawal of this integral piece of the neurochemical machinery, the system is thrown out of balance and the "user" begins to feel the pain of the imbalance. Thus, the symptoms of withdrawal are felt, and he/she goes into increasingly strong manipulative behavior to meet the need for his/her "fix" of control/power/selfishness. The codependent person typically has difficulty resisting the manipulative behavior of the "user" and the cycle of using and "assisting using" behavior continues endlessly.

 

In recovery from addiction, it is necessary to vow to never use again. But, such a vow will not come easily since there must first be a deep and personal ownership of the awareness that he/she is actually in need of being free of the addictive behavior/substance. When awareness has been reached (i.e. the person has come out of denial), then a positive behavior must immediately be integrated into the personality to replace the loss of the extracted substance. To do otherwise is simply to wait for the inevitable return of the "using" behavior.

 

Musical Theory model:

One possible method of classifying emotions comes from the use of the use of the fundamental emotional tone classifications of music. In this system, there are only 3 emotions in life which correspond to the 3 chords: major, minor and diminished 5th.

 

Those 3 emotions are happy, sad, and scared.

In other words, all emotions are either happy emotions, sad emotions, or frightened emotions. In this paradigm, all emotions fit into those 3 families, and as a result, any other emotion is a relative of one of those 3 emotions. For example, fear is another name for scared, and angry is a relative to fear. Grief is sad, and jealous is sad, and hurt is sad, Happy is of course joy and laughter and basically anything that is an upbeat emotion.

This is important to know because music is dynamic, and there are always transformations and movements between the various chords. If we are feeling unhappy or sad, we are trying to get to happy. But often, one of the barriers to the transition from sad to happy is that we must go through something of which we are afraid to experience. It may be that we are afraid of more loss, or afraid of change, but that fear of stepping out and making the changes is the barrier we must cross in order to reach our emotional state goal.

 

We can hypothesize that the transition between happy and sad emotions is always separated by fear. Thus, faith is here revealed as being the primary motive force we must use to move toward the satisfaction of our desires. But, we cannot attain our emotional goals simply by having faith. We must engage in positive action to realize our goals. We must put in new behaviors and attitudes that will bring us to that new domain of performance and happiness. There are many things that we do that are fear based which we use to try to reach our goal of happiness. For example: we run away or withdraw from difficult circumstances, we try to intimidate or manipulate people into giving us what we want, or we engage in overt forceful behavior to manipulate the situation. In all these attempts to gain happiness, we do not reach it. Instead, we find that happiness, peace, and the joy we were attempting reach is ever-retreating. Hence, we see a reflection of Job's lament upon losing his fortune and health,

 

Job 3:25 What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.

 

In other words, fear is the emotion underlying our inability to move to a place of being happy as our base of experience. The use of alcohol or drugs is one method of anesthetizing the feelings. It is painful to experience unhappiness, and terrifying to face the fear necessary to reach happiness, Thus, simply deadening the senses, and not feeling very much at all, is one solution to managing the pain of life.

 

Our first goal is to be righteous, and then the secondary result of being righteous is the supernatural joy and peace which comes from living in the Will of God. Happiness is a type of emotion that arises as a result of the circumstances of life proceeding in a manner in which we appreciate. Happiness is a more transient emotion than joy, and is reflective of the world we live in.

 

When trying to pull out of the temptation to use alcohol, the foundation of not drinking is the commitment, the vow, not to drink as a solution to dealing with the feelings of life. But, "not doing something" is not enough. It is necessary to put something else in the place of drinking. to fill up that empty space of life.

 

In particular we must do right behavior in relationships, business, personal care and discipline, and in finances/work. When we have behaved properly, and attained a level of adequacy on each of these areas these fundamentals of life we have the possibilities of happiness. Our survival is handled, our personal comfort needs are met, our relationships are satisfying. Then I may decide to say as a strong declaration of my will, "I don't drink, and I expect that God will do the things that I can't do."

 

When I do what I can, and expect God to fill in the rest, then things will be good enough. Remember, All we can do is all we can do, and that is enough. In any situation, the worst that can happen is that we die. And, if that happens, and we have given our allegiance to Jesus as the Lord of our life, at least our spirit will be received into heaven. And, to quote the apostle Paul.

 

Philippians 1:20 (NIV) I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith,

 

But dying probably won't happen right now, in this current circumstance of unhappiness. And, even if we did die, as noted above, it is actually the best thing that could happen. And, as Paul noted above, he chose to stay, to serve and help the people who needed him. And, the same is true for all of us. We all have a part to play in the symphony of life. Without our particular contribution to the orchestra, there would be something missing. Each of us are needed for the part that we play.

 

So, while it might be great to die today, and go and be with the Lord, that probably won't happen. So today we are probably stuck with being here and living another day to grow, serve, love, and develop our character in righteousness. Thus, today is another day to become more like Christ. Thus, to live is Christ, and to die it gain. So, every day is an opportunity to grow, and live, and love a little more. Each experience of every day can be an opportunity for gain, and growth, and that is what we dwell upon, the faith that something good, joyous, lovely, will happen. In the process, we must overcome the fear. So dwell on the gain of what can happen instead of the fear of what could happen. Therefore you are looking forward with faith at the gain of what could happen that is good, instead of backward and fearing more of the past. This way you are creating a new future by faith.