Romance to Resentment

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Thomas Lee Abshier, ND

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Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
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Christian Counselor

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Romance to Resentment
By: Thomas Lee Abshier, ND

The Promise of Marriage
Marriage is the most rewarding and fulfilling of all human pursuits, but it is also possibly the most difficult to do well. Men and women are attracted to each other because of the inherent, God-given desire to complete themselves in the union with a person of the opposite sex. But, the romantic, lustful, ecstatic ideal of marital bliss dissipates with time because of the unresolved emotional pain associated with incidents of abuse or hurt, and unsatisfied needs experienced by one or both marital partners.

Marital Happiness
Marital happiness is ultimately dependent upon mutually satisfying the needs, wants, and desires of both partners. The human psyche was created to be satisfied by the mutual experience of events, projects, and shared life with another person. In other words, the highest drive present in the human psyche is love.

Romantic Love
Romantic love is a complex phenomenon which I may experience, including any or all of the following:

·	I have a feeling of emptiness, loneliness, or incompleteness which is met by him/her.

·	Because some or many of my needs are met by him/her, I feel a great attraction, affinity, and appreciation of him/her.

·	He/she makes me feel special, like I’m valuable, needed, and worthwhile.

·	Not all my needs are met, but I am confident that more of those needs will be satisfied as I learn how to give and take in appropriate and loving negotiations to satisfy both my own and my partner’s needs.

·	I believe that the character, habits, personality, commitments, intentions (etc.) of my partner are of high caliber.

·	I believe that the deficiencies, annoying habits, personality quirks, and character flaws are minimal in their importance, and can be overcome.

·	I believe that he/she wants to overcome his/her flaws and grow. But even if he/she does not change, he/she is still wonderful.

·	I believe that my contribution of love, strength, faith, and encouragement will provide the added stimulus to help change, and overcome his/her flaws.

·	I believe that a life together will full of joyous sharing of mutually appreciated journeys and projects.

·	I believe that a life together will be easier and richer with the burdens shared.

·	I have a feeling of desire for sexual satisfaction and sharing with him/her.

·	I see that my own character, physical attributes, abilities, social status, personality, and contribution are satisfying to or accepted by my partner.

·	I admire and appreciate (or at the very least accept as adequate) his/her character, physical attributes, etc.

The Anesthesia of Sexual Attraction & Romance
Often the need that attracts many men and women to each other is the need to be sexually satisfied. The attraction of sex is so great that for many people it can overshadow the deficiencies inherent in their match. Often they overlook problems that may be related to shared interests, common values, understanding of the implications of physical debility or personality habits, and the awareness of the difficulties of having one’s needs met when we are of different personality types. The attraction of sex can be an anesthetic that blocks out even the awareness of difference and difficulties. It can blunt one’s sense of criticality and judgment to the point of seeing large differences, immaturity, personality flaws, and destructive habits as being minor factors that love will overcome. Sadly as the marriage progresses, the flame of romantic love and the fire of sexual attraction dwindles and the realities of the very different needs of the two personalities become apparent.

Sex is a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual bonding experience that is inherently incomplete as a solo experience. It is likewise an incomplete experience when engaged without the fullness of a "committed need-meeting" relationship. Life is set-up to seduce us into the trap of bonding into a man-woman marriage relationship by the attraction of sex. The drive to procreate is one of the strongest emotional-physical drives we experience. The anesthetic of the sexual ambrosia dulls our sensitivity to pain, and we imagine that we will be very happy, and be able to overlook any of the flaws that are present in this wonderful mate-creature that God has brought into our lives. We imagine that he/she will meet our needs, appreciate our tastes, and encourage us in living to our highest values and attaining our dreams.

The Illusion is Broken
But, at some point you realize that your mate does not do some or all of the following:

·	He/she does not share your values.

·	He/she does not appreciate your tastes.

·	He/she does not recognize or attempt to meet your expressed and/or unexpressed needs/wants.

·	He/she has shown him/herself to be unwilling to change to meet your needs.

·	He/she is unable or unwilling to accept your deficiencies and/or support you in overcoming them.

Thus, an emotional emptiness arises in your heart when one of these needs for support and appreciation is unsatisfied. It may be a need or expectation that was never met in your entire life, and it is a disappointment when the realization finally hits that he/she may never meet that need. This may feel like a betrayal of the contract he/she made with you to satisfy you and meet your needs. In the darkest hour of your relationship, there may be a complete loss of hope that your needs can ever be satisfied. The loss of hope makes the heart sick, and can lead to strong negative emotions, bad behavior, illness, separation, and divorce.

The Desperate Attempt to Meet Needs
In an attempt to get your needs met you may resort to various strategies to try to restore the hopes and expectations of romantic love:

·	You may resort to anger, harsh words, and/or violent actions trying to get him/her to meet your needs, appreciate your tastes and talents and contribution, to stop doing something that offends you, or start doing something that satisfies you, or accept you for who you are.

·	You may attempt to retaliate by withdrawing so as to demonstrate the pain of loneliness so that he/she will understand the pain you feel.

·	You may withdraw, hoping to create a safe place where you cannot be hurt.

The Escalation of Offense Sequence

Person X says/does something that offends Partner Y, (let’s call it Action A) that does not meet Y’s needs, or in some way stimulates Y’s emotional sensitivities. Y doesn’t like it, Y doesn’t want it to happen again, and/or Y wants to make sure the score is even after the hurt Y felt. As a result, Y retaliates against X (with Reaction B), and feels it was justified or necessary.

Any time Y purposefully hurts X (with reaction B) in order to make a point, or to get Y’s needs met, or to pay back some real or imagined hurt (Action A), then the sequence of hurt has begun and usually X will hurt Y back (with Reaction C). The escalation will not stop until someone is unwilling to take the retaliation to the next higher level. The unthinkable happens when there are no limits. Unnecessary emotional pain happens every time this sequence is followed to the second step (Reaction B) or beyond.

After Y hurt X (with Reaction B), then X will feel justified in hurting Y back (Reaction C) because Y hurt X. X feels the hurt Y administered was inappropriate, uncalled for, and unjust. There may be any number of reasons why X felt justified in the original action (Action A) that caused Y to react:

·	(Habit Justification for Action A): Y was simply acting or reacting out of habit (Action A):

(Cultural Norm Justification for Action A): He/she grew up acting that way. His/her parents, siblings, friends, acted that way. The entire culture of his/her school, club, platoon, race, city, state, region, nation acted that way, how could it be wrong? He/she acts the same around everyone else he/she knows and no one else reacts like you.

(Circumstantial Justification for Action A): He/she had some horrible thing happen when he/she was younger (physical abuse, sexual abuse, economic deprivation, and/or social abuse), and he/she learned to act that way out of reaction and it is impossible to change these long learned and deep patterns.

(Golden Rule Justification for Action A): You should be more compassionate and simply accept X’s unfortunate past or culture, and the difficulty of changing habits after all, Y does things that X has to accept about Y that irritates X, but X doesn’t react and try to hurt Y. Therefore X should just be accepted for whatever X does because X doesn’t try to change Y.

When Y hurts X (with Reaction B), then X purposefully and intentionally hurts Y with forceful gestures/tones, words, and/or actions (Reaction C) because whatever X originally did (with Action A) was either unavoidable, unintentional, minimal, or deserved. In any case X felt that X did not deserve any reaction whatsoever from the very beginning, and any reaction from Y was totally unjustified, thus when Y reacts it can only be interpreted as unjustified aggression which is an act of invasion and war.

The hurt then escalates because Y has been purposefully hurt (by Reaction C). Y believes the ante has been raised because Y believes Y was not being aggressive at all in reacting originally (to Action A). But now X has hurt Y out of malice (with Reaction C).

Originally Y was trying to teach X a lesson (with Reaction B). Teaching a lesson is like being a parent, it is a good thing, it is important to learn lessons; no child should rebel against or hurt their parents for teaching a lesson. After all it was X who first hurt Y by X's habitual unconscious actions (Action A). Y was just letting X know how it felt (by Reaction B) to be hurt so that X would stop unconsciously hurting Y. After Y administers Reaction B, Y believes the score should even, and X should just change behaviors, accept the lesson, stop, repent, and never ever hurt Y by doing Action A again.

But X has now engaged in a deeper level of transgression (Reaction C) against Y. When X originally did the empty thoughtless and habitual Action A, it was annoying, but it could be understood and only deserved the small retaliation of Reaction B. But, now X has clearly crossed the line (with Reaction C). Y knows that this (Reaction C) was an intentional, purposeful, unforgiving, and malicious hurt. There is no question that X has created a real debt, an unbalanced ledger of purposeful hurt and X has not repented for this act of willful violation.

So, after having been the victim of unconscious hurt (Action A), then purposeful hurt (Reaction C), Y is now justified, in fact obligated to hurt X to pay X back for this willful and unjustified violation. Y must show X that Y simply will not stand for the abuse (Reaction C). In fact this (Reaction D) is an important principle of relationship to protect Y’s space. If Y doesn't enforce Y’s boundaries Y will be tacitly saying that X can violate Y at any time, with no consequences. Y must protect Y’s space with Reaction D.

So, Y purposefully hurts X (with Reaction D) to show X what it feels like to be purposefully violated, and to punish X for the violation, and to protect Y’s boundaries and territory, and/or to get even with the hurt (Reaction C) from X.

X of course by now recognizes what is going on, and X knows that X has been purposefully violated (by Reaction D). X knows that this was unjust since X did not intend to hurt Y with Action A to begin with. But now X feels Y has gone way over the line in reacting to X’s habits and trying to change them. X feels that Y should be more gentle, kind, understanding, and patient as Y makes requests for change. X feels that Y would not want to be hurt for something Y could change to make X feel better emotionally. X knows that Y can’t stop Y’s habit easily because it is a habit. X knows that Y would want to be given grace if Y had a habit that Y should change to make X feel better. But since Y isn’t giving any grace, then X is under no obligation to give any grace. So, X hurts back for this new and inappropriate attack (Reaction E). X does so to stop the pain from Y, and to give a message that Reaction D wasn't acceptable, to enforce boundaries, to change behavior, to get even, to win and dominate a situation.

This cycle can escalate to the point of anger/yelling, violence, or separation.

The Ultimate Outcome of Retaliation
This repeating and escalating cycle of hurt and retaliation, hurt and retaliation continues on until someone submits or leaves. The poor outcome of this sequence illustrates the futility of trying to get your needs met by inflicting pain.

Getting What You Want
But if inflicting pain to stop bad/hurtful behavior does not work, it begs the question, "What is the right way of getting your needs met?"

The short answer is, "Ask for what you want, do it nicely and with expectant faith."
The guiding principles of action are:

·	Do it well -- Your personal best is the only level of performance that is satisfactory

·	Do it fair -- The highest law is the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

·	o it right -- You are responsible to God for everything you do. It is His world, and He is the one who has made the rules. Learn His rules from studying the Bible, prayer, meditation and wise/Godly counsel.

Why does this method work?
This escalation of hurt/offense started when you realized that your mate does not meet one or more of the needs that you expected him/her to meet. In other words, he/she is not a perfect mirror-clone of your tastes, values, and motivations. He/she has his/her own way of doing things, level of ability, taste in life experiences, motivation for accomplishment, valuation of importance, and judgement about what is morally acceptable and offensive.

Do it Right
I do not believe in a relativistic, "everyone has their own truth" type of value system. God truly does have a standard of perfection for every situation, but we may not know it, we may not be able to live up to it, or we may simply be in error in our judgement of the perfection. I may actually know the absolute truth about God, His Word, and The Law in many situations. I may believe that I have mastered the daily application of it enough to judge accurately how the Law and God’s Will apply to many daily situations. And, I may be able to often accurately judge excellent and inferior performance in daily situations. As a result, I may feel qualified to judge the behavior and shortcomings of him/her. As a result, I may feel justified and authorized to unilaterally administer various forms of corrective stimuli to produce changes in behavior and character.

Do it Fair
The problem comes when the judging and correcting are done without negotiation, request, and agreement. Punishment or consequences should be given only after allowing him/her the opportunity to choose to change. He/she should be intimately involved in choosing the appropriate consequences that would help him/her make those changes. If punishment is given quickly and unilaterally, the transaction is more of a parent-child, master-slave interaction. Such hierarchical transactions are inherently less intimate than a mutual respect partner-mate relationship. Thus, the recipient of the correction is being treated more as an object, subject, or child to be trained or manipulated rather than being treated as a person deserving consideration of his/her feelings, will, ego, pride, autonomy, self respect, integrity, and personal space.

Do it Well
The fact is that there are behaviors and character traits that are more excellent for a particular time, place, and context. For example, it is almost always best to never forget to take out the garbage, or never trip over your feet when going up the steps, or to never smack your lips when eating, or always hear, understand, to remember everything, and to keep your word on everything you ever say, no matter how small. But, as humans, we make mistakes and fall into imperfection because of the difficulty in controlling our nervous system and body movements. We inhabit an imperfect machine which is difficult to control, and there are none, other than Jesus, who have controlled it perfectly. But, it is nevertheless our charge to strive to master the mind-body, and to reap the reward for our efforts. Such a pursuit is only for those who are willing to take the narrow path and engage the hard work, pain, and effort required to make the changes required to become perfect in righteous character.

The Romantic Start becomes the Routine
When the marriage begins, the day to day reality of life together replaces the intermittent engagements of dining out, movies, sports, and limited time together. The structural realities of life lived together makes it impossible to only show your most polished social face. We all have many moods, phases, attitudes, dispositions, and reactions. All of the good intentions of romance, all the acceptance and belief in the never-failing nature of romantic love come to an end because of the unavoidable confrontation with reality. The fact is that there is conflict because there is not an absolute unity of values, tastes, and needs. It is inevitable that there will be needs that are not satisfied by one or the other person. The lack of satisfaction is a type of hurt, and hurt can be used to justify retaliation, and retaliation can be used to justify further retaliation.

The Daily Routine and the Death of the Dream
Succumbing to the mundane routine of everyday life produces dullness, boredom, and indifference. In this state there is a loss of some of the hopes and dreams of romantic love. But, indifference gives way to a deeper level of separation and antagonism. This chasm arises at some point where an event, or an ongoing behavior, causes you to feel that some need, hope, or ideal will never be met. It is at this point that the belief in the romantic ideal dies. This is the point where romance turns to resentment or repulsion. To begin with you had a faith, a hope, a true inner belief that your needs would be met. You believed that you knew your partner's character well enough that you could trust that he/she would at the very least do everything necessary to make changes so that your heart would not be hurt in the important things. But, at some point you realized that he/she did not have the will, desires, and/or commitment to overcome his/her character and personality habits that cause you pain. Some of these habits are so irritating or hurtful, and some created such deep or unstoppable pain that you lost your faith that he/she could change to meet your needs.

Your Part in Creating/Maintaining the Problem
From that point on you became a force in maintaining and creating that bad behavior. No, you do not want him/her to behave badly, you do not have a masochistic inner drive that wants to be hurt. You take no pleasure in being right about predicting that he/she will repeatedly fail to satisfy your inner need. The "creative force" which you are using to miraculously create the bad behavior you hate so much is a "acting in fear and earnest expectation of his/her imminent and future violation." You are acting out of a motivation other than simply loving and serving the Lord, and receiving your reward out of the fullness of "first seeking the kingdom of heaven".

The Predictability of Character Amidst the Variability of Behavior
It is unrealistic to expect that someone will behave radically outside of the normal spectrum of his/her behaviors after you have gotten to know them over a long period of time and in many circumstances. The spectrum of a behaviors a person exhibits can be described by a field of mathematics known as Chaos Theory which states that the occurrence of any particular event will fit inside of certain limits and is predictable to the extent that it falls within certain bounds. Thus, a person who has a certain character could be said to have a particular chaotic expression of behavior within certain limits.

Changing Behavior
To change behavior, there must be a force operating which provides an opening, an environment, a space in which the new behavior can grow and thrive. By its very nature, a new behavior is unfamiliar to the nervous system. When first learning a new behavior there are no automatic subroutines of neuromuscular response, no higher center patterns of expectation, plan, and sequence, there are no belief and intentional patterns which can referenced to guide and encourage one through the execution of a new life experience. Thus, simply giving a person pain, hurt, and shock when he/she is engaging in hurtful behavior is insufficient to produce a new behavior. There must be a pattern of perfection, a positive behavior which can replace and substitute for the old behavior.

The Ultimate Plan for Change
In other words, to get change, we must believe with full expectancy that the pattern will change. The offending behavior must be confronted with Truth spoken in love. The offender must agree to change the old behavior, not out of duress, but because of a desire to serve God’s Kingdom and submit to God's pattern of perfect Righteousness. We must recognize that the service we do today, even to the least of these, is a service to the Lord most high.

First written: 10/21/2001