On Earth as it is in Heaven

 

Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
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Christian Counselor

Naturopathic Physician

Political Philosopher
Physicist-Theologian-Author

 

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Marriage & Personal Counseling

Medical Consultations

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1414 NE 109th Ave.

Portland, Oregon

(503) 255-9500
naturedox@qwest.net

 

BEHAVIOR CHARTING
Preparation of an “Offense and Appreciation Log”
by: Thomas Lee Abshier, ND

 

Purpose: to provide a tool that will allow a rational, well-documented, and fair basis for rewarding good behavior, as well as engaging in conversations about changing behavior, and tracking progress in making those changes.

 

Explanation: Every human being has a soul that is capable of experiencing emotional pain, hurt, discomfort, and irritation. The wounds and irritations are invisible, but the pain is real. The “Offense Log” provides a method by which hurts of many sorts are acknowledged, and a commitment is made to engage in new behavior and attitude that is desirable and agreeable to both parties.

 

Caution: The “Offense Log” can be used as a tool for justification of revenge, feeling superior, or leverage to manipulate for personal gratification. This is exactly the opposite of the purpose of the tool. The human heart demands justice. The quickest method to obtain justice is to give forgiveness after confession, repentance, changed behavior, and restitution. Often marriage partners are offended by their mate’s actions or state of being. If there are “any” past offenses, which have not been fully resolved (confessed, repented, forgiven and new behavior replaced), then this past offense can be a seed out of which resentment can grow. Past offenses, which are unacknowledged and healed, cause a reduction of respect, trust, and affection. We often try to be good people and pretend that we have forgotten and forgiven an offense as though it was “no big deal”, or “I’ve gotten over that”. To an extent we can forget and overlook another person’s offenses. But, unless there has been a time of sincere acknowledgement of the hurt we caused by our action, with a convincing expression of intent to stop future offenses of a similar type, the offended party can still harbor distrust and place hurt and pain on that memory. The offended person must accept a sincere attempt to repair damage and change behavior and let go of the temptation to keep using this offense to get endless repayment of the debt.

 

Endpoint: Life is not meant to be a homework assignment to track and log offenses of your mate, or keeping track of time spent together, or recording how many times my needs were met compared to yours in order to keep the balance even. The procedures and tools for tracking violation and satisfaction are intuitively obvious and subconsciously incorporated into the habit structures of the married couple that is fully satisfied in their marital relationship experience. Thus, the purpose of using these tools is to train the unhappy couple how to eliminate irritating behaviors, to meet each other’s needs and model the behaviors and attitudes of the happy couple. The happily married couple has successfully blended the will and needs of two individuals and formed a single third mutual organism. They have used learned to balance the need for individual satisfaction with the pleasure associated with giving and service. The sacrifice associated with giving to each other brings joy, peace, and harmony.

 

For true marital happiness to arise, the individual needs of both partners must be met; by avoiding the behaviors which cause irritation and by willing, enthusiastic, performance of those pleasure producing rituals. And, it must be recognized that some needs are improper, and should not be met. Some needs are diametrically opposed to the needs of his/her partner. Thus, the track to meeting needs is not as simple as just “doing whatever he/she wants”. Thus, all needs must be placed on the table for examination and negotiation. There are few needs which must be met without question or debate.

 

Honest, open, self revealing, transparent communication about one's needs is at the center of the process of negotiation for needs. Each partner must engage in a fully candid revelation and exposition of his/her needs. When there is a romantic “lost in love” attitude, there is little need for apologies and bargaining because the anesthesia of love has blinded the eyes and senses of the pain of offense. But, when the routine of normal married life sets in, the anesthesia of love wears off, and the reality of one’s own natural needs and wants, likes and dislikes, comes to the surface automatically.

 

The first part of developing a deep "marital love" is the elimination of the “hurts of relationship”. The second step is developing an affinity based on giving. This selfless, serviceful, committed love arises as the heart develops a longing desire to make his/her life better.

 

When the couple is mature in love, there is little need for tracking offenses, recording times of appreciation, and scheduling mutual activities because all these elements of relationship have been practiced for so long that they have become automatic as habits. The lessons and struggles of creating a mutually satisfying experience of love have already been learned.

 

Logging Moments of Appreciation:

1) Note each time you are feeling good because of something that you have done with/for each other

a. Record when you have an appreciation for your mate for something you do together

• An enjoyable sexual experience (times to remember of “making/creating love”)
• A nice meal shared together
• A pleasant, enlivening, or enlightening conversation
• A shared experience: camping, traveling, visiting friends, a movie/TV show
• A shared project: house maintenance/buying/remodeling, car buying, gardening, a hobby, a book read together
• A good confrontation of "issues" where needs were shared, compromises made, new behavior vowed, forgiveness given, positions understood

b. Record your appreciation for who a person is:

• A talent they have
• A moral stand they made
• A pattern of behavior (or single action) that reflects their excellent character
• Their stamina and willingness to continue doing their duties even in opposition to continued resistance, boredom, and fatigue

c. Record your appreciation for the things that he/she does

• For being well groomed and nicely dressed
• For the effort he/she makes to keep his/her body fit and healthy
• For the effort he/she makes to care for children
• For doing chores and routine ongoing house maintenance
• For earning money to support the household
• Something he/she accomplished
• A difficulty he/sh overcame
• A habit pattern that he/she has attempted to overcome or overcame
• A nice thing that he/she did in an attempt to please you and meet your needs

d. Record your appreciation for the way he/she is working on change:

• A pleasant way that he/she confronted you to ask for change
• Movement that he/she made in making changes toward reducing an irritating behavior
• Movement toward reducing the frequency or intensity of angry outbursts
• Movement toward reducing annoying habits

2) Record each Day-to-Day incident of excellent, noteworthy, behavior on a note card or pocket notepad that you carry with you at all times

• Transfer that note to your running list of items that you appreciate about your mate
• Write each item and date of appreciation on a separate piece of paper
• Organize the papers according to the category type
• Write the category name on the upper right corner
• Write & date additional instances of the same appreciated character, transformation, or action on the same sheet

 

3) Discuss, share, and give acknowledgement of the patterns of excellence

• Weekly time of discussion and review of the previous week’s behavior and events
• Review both the items of appreciation and items of offense, hurt, and irritation.

 

Logging offenses:

1) Start by writing down every past offense that still has hurt and “unresolved” sense to it in your “Offense Journal”

 

2) Record all offenses in two places:
a) As a running list:

• Date of the hurt
• Incident: circumstances and description (only enough detail to jog memory)
• Severity of the hurt/irritation (0-10, 5 = moderate; 10 = most severe)

b) As a single sheet per incident

• Write out the offense on a single sheet when the incident is of sufficient importance to merit confrontation
• Write out an explanation of the importance of the incident
• Categorize each hurt by writing the “type of hurt” on upper right corner of each page (see Behavior Charting)
• Estimate the total number of times this incident/type of incident has happened in the past.  
• List other instances of similar offense that come to mind.  
• Include OFNR  data to bring full understanding to the incident

3) Save all the pages in a loose-leaf ring bound binder

a) As time passes, and many offenses are recorded, organize them into a categorized system

• Write the category and subcategory that each offense falls under in the upper right corner
• Organize each offense of a similar category/subcategory into chronological order

b) Record resolutions and commitments for new behavior
c) Record additional offenses of the same type as an additional page
d) Record the specifics about when additional offenses of the same type take place

 

4) Both parties in the relationship should keep his/her own log of offenses

 

5) A meeting must be scheduled on a regular basis (e.g. weekly, Sunday evening after children in bed)

• Acknowledge and appreciate good behavior, attitude, character, and changes
• Describe, elaborate, and be acknowledged for the hurtful experiences, words, actions, attitudes of the week
• Hear, understand, and acknowledge the reasons for and level of commitment to the hurtful behavior

 

Last modified 11/24/2001