On Earth as it is in Heaven

 

Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
—-
Christian Counselor

Naturopathic Physician

Political Philosopher
Physicist-Theologian-Author

 

—
Marriage & Personal Counseling

Medical Consultations

—

1414 NE 109th Ave.

Portland, Oregon

(503) 255-9500
naturedox@qwest.net

 

Jealousy & Judgment

By, Thomas Lee Abshier, ND

 

People often choose a love match that challenges their basic values, tastes, and desires.  Possibly it is the polarity that is interesting or mysterious, or maybe the soul has a desire to challenge itself with the problems associated with difference.  Regardless, of the motivation for choosing a mate of opposite type, the disparity of desire, taste, habit, method will produce pain if the difference is held in strong judgment.  

 

Strong condemnation of the mate on any axis of life, form, action, thought, speech, or belief will poison the love.  Judgment, waiting for the other to behave better, will replace the joy of new love with bitterness, unhappiness, and dissatisfaction.  The joy of the moment is replaced with a longing for the day when the behavior is good, right, acceptable, compatible, and pleasing.  

 

The problem is that change, especially of pervasive or important habit patterns comes slowly in adulthood, and may never come at all.  A life spent waiting for the change and its associated joyful satisfaction, is endured with the pain.  The unsatisfied desire of the heart leaves the soul in the perpetual torment of deficiency.  Unmet needs and wants leave us hungry for the satisfying thought, word, and deed coming from him/her.  Always the fantasy of satisfaction of the heart if he/she would simply stop doing this, or start doing that.  

 

Such is the case with jealousy.  The husband may be jealous of the wife and her ongoing friendship relationships with men she has befriended or loved in her past, or the roles may just as easily and commonly be reversed.  

 

The jealous husband wants his wife to not see or entertain her past friends and lovers, and he may use scripture, or his personal sense of right behavior, or simply his feelings for what he wants and feels good in the relationship as justification for asking her to break off all contact with the men in her past.  

 

On the wife/fiance’s side, she may feel the desire to have relationships with many people, be a social person who craves many relationships, and her greatest happiness is in the diversity of social contact.  Her unhappiness comes from being watched, accused and demanded to have little or no contact with her large social network of men.  

 

He is unhappy because her affection appears to be expressed more fully and deeply with other men.  And her unhappiness comes from being judged, and in a very real sense, not loved.

 

The resolution of such disconnect of habit and nature does not come easily if we expect the heart to simply change and embrace these new ways of action and restrictions of common and natural habits.  

 

No toleration for actual sin need be given.  If there is lust, it should neither be acted upon, dwelt upon, nor entertained.  The mate who has friends of the opposite sex should think, speak, and behave in a manner that is truly friend-like.  If he/she has difficulty regulating his/her mind in this way, then he/she should talk to his/her mate in a way that confesses, and looks for support in regulating the emotions.  

 

Love him/her for who she is.  This is the most important of all techniques, commands, tips, or methods for making marriage work, bridging the chasm of incompatibility, and calming the fires of reactivity, repulsion, and disappointment.  The question is what is love? An how do I do love?  The answer is elusive, and must be experienced to be known, but as a hint to the searcher, observe him/her with the love of God.  If he/she is struggling with a sin, or has a habit that is foreign or repulsive, see him/her in the way that God would see him/her.  See him/her as unique, interesting, different, or fascinating.  Try to understand him/her, and see him/her as going through his/her own type of life-struggle the same as mine.  .  

 

It's good to trust your wife, and for her it's good to keep your relationships clean with the men.  If you can't do this, then break apart now, someone will be miserable.  Find the middle path of godly trust and faith in your mate, and find the path of proper social posture.

 

find someone who can resonate with your past struggle.

 

6/13/2009