On Earth as it is in Heaven

 

Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
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Christian Counselor

Naturopathic Physician

Political Philosopher
Physicist-Theologian-Author

 

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Marriage & Personal Counseling

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1414 NE 109th Ave.

Portland, Oregon

(503) 255-9500
naturedox@qwest.net

 

Rapport
Developing the Head and Heart Connection
Rapport -- The Foundation of Resolution
By: Thomas Lee Abshier, ND

 

If I hurt you in some way, I must engage in some demonstration of commitment that I have changed my attitude and will accordingly modify my behavior in the future so that you may restore your trust in the safety of our relationship.

 

To do so, I must first truly, meaningfully, deeply acknowledge the fact that I have hurt you. You must know that I understand that you have experienced pain at my hands. You must know that I care about your pain, and that I do not want to hurt you again. You must know that I care enough about you and our relationship that I want to change my behavior so that I will not hurt you again. In other words, your feelings and needs are important to you and they are important to me.

 

When you have this level of trust in my connection and caring for you, you know that any hurt that I cause you will be treated seriously. Action will be taken, I will make changes, I will do what it takes to alter my attitude, behaviors, and habits so that I do not hurt you this way again. I may make mistakes, I may do it wrong again, but I will not do it on purpose. All that is necessary is for you to inform me, to let me know how you hurt, and I will be eager to begin the transformation process in myself to meet your need.

The foundational principle of "Rapport" is knowing the circumstances of another person's struggle while feeling and understanding their state. Thus, when I understand your circumstances and know how you feel and I feel with you, I am in Rapport with you. Love is caring for the welfare and feelings of another person as much as for your own.

 

The combination of love and rapport is an ongoing requirement for fully mature loving marital relationship. Such a deep level of caring for the welfare and feelings of another person is not a common gift of the human soul. We usually associate such connectedness with the ecstatic intensity of romantic infatuation. Even though it is unnatural for most humans to truly care for another person's welfare, it is a requirement for true fulfillment in marriage. In fact, rapport can be the first step up the ladder toward a mature marital love.

Ideally, our hearts would be large enough to connect with, and care for each person we meet. But, obviously it is physically impossible to be as connected with every person on the earth as your mate. In fact, it would be inappropriate to have the same level of connection and intimacy with every single person on earth. But, this does not diminish the importance of opening your heart, caring, and attempting to understand each person we contact.

 

This of course brings up the question of how much should we give of our time and energy to the casual pedestrian walking through our life. How much actual thought and emotional care should we give to those whom we engage on a moderate to peripheral basis. And, how can we protect ourselves against those who would do us harm if we are open to the feelings of everyone? Clearly there are bad people who would seek to invade our space. There are many who have given themselves over to the temptations and payoffs of evil.

 

Thus, we must be discriminating with how much we open up our hearts to each other. We must learn to know the true hearts of those who come into our lives, and establish protective barriers of various sorts that we remove as trustworthiness is established. But, what are the appropriate limits we are to place on each person who desires our attention and affection?

 

Establishing proper boundaries is the key to protecting ourselves and coming to an appropriate level of intimacy for every relationship. An appropriate distance must be held between all people. The marriage relationship is obviously the most open, the most vulnerable, the most complete, the most naked and unprotected. All other relationships are necessarily less open and available in terms of time, attention, sharing of space, issues, and physical intimacy. Thus, simply by recognizing that there is a gradient of attention, and relationship, we can begin to categorize and equilibrate our expectations in relationship.

 

The Limits of Rapport:

• Be in rapport with everyone to the appropriate extent
• Attempt to understand, know, and love, everyone you contact; allow yourself to open to ever deepening levels of rapport, and trust as time, circumstance, and prudence dictates
• Expect everyone to be your friend, and be aware that not all people are worthy of your trust
• Keep your distance appropriate with everyone depending on the level of trust you have established.
• Allow time, circumstances, and experience to bring your relationship closer, but be patient and allow the seeds of bonding and connection to mature
• The closer a person is in your circle, the more similar should be your values, don't be unequally yoked
• Protect yourself from people that you do not know and trust, by limiting time and proximity on all levels
• Establish trust slowly, establish understanding quickly, carefully conserve your time, space, attention, and energy
• Be wise, be aware, listen to your head, heart, and trusted counsel, recognize the signs of a disturbed personality and a spirit with unholy allegiance
• Listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit warning you against getting too close to some people
• Spend time daily in prayer, meditation, and reading the Bible to learn the feel of the Holy Spirit.
• Compare all people to the feel of His perfection
• Constantly judge yourself, look always for indications of unbridled habits, passion
• Be discriminating in your acceptance of information, advice, opportunities, and favors
• Be careful not to be seduced into relationships by pleasure, love, wealth, and power

Rapport in Marriage:

• Realize that my mate is the most intimate, most important person in my life
• With my mate, there must be times of togetherness, but I must still have times of aloneness
• Recognize that the pain I feel is similar to a pain that you feel, but about a different issues
• I want my needs met, but in a mature loving marriage, is just as important to me that your needs are also met
• I must continue to listen, imagine, project, and pray to be able to truly understand and feel your pain
• I will never stop being in relationship
• I will continue attempt to fully embody your perpective until I actually feel and understand you
• I will attempt to moderate my passions that interfere with time together

The Trespass:

I will inevitably do something that will cause you pain, be it mental, emotional, or physical. You must tell me that I have hurt you, otherwise I will not know have been injured. It is my responsibility to draw you out, but your responsibility to be honest, tell me all the reasons why you were hurt. You must be heard and understood why you were hurt, and I must be understood as to why I acted as I did. Both sides must speak honestly and completely. Both you and I must be sincerely acknowledged for how we feel. Thus, both the offender and offender must both step back from demanding justice and immediate reparation. The most common scenario of “ordinary hurt” is that two parties are in pain because of a trespass of some sort, and the offended person immediately proceeds to retaliate against the perceived trespass. This may precipitate a battle since the "offender" may not feel that he/she deserved the punishment, and hence now considers him/herself to be the victim. Hence, two people are now punishing, retaliating, and defending. No act of force can bludgeon an unwilling heart into open and serviceful submission to an idea.

The proper resolution of a painful trespass is a sincere statement of hurt by the offended party. Then the trespasser should acknowledge the pain pain was caused by his/her action. He/she should then vow to stop it and replace it with a more “friendly” and pleasing future behavior. But, such simplistic and righteous solutions are seldom executed by people who are overcome by anger and/or pain. Thus, it is necessary that at least one of the parties keep his/her eye on the proper pattern of resolution of hurt. He/she must delay the expectation of justice, and simply give understanding. Remember, rapport is the first step toward intimacy. It is by sowing understanding that we reap acceptance, forgiveness, and compassion.

 

Engage in Rapport and pursue Love:

Rapport is the experience of two people touching and mutually understanding each other’s hearts. This means deeply acknowledging your partner's intentions, feelings, motivations, goals, limitations, strengths, energy level, physical pain and limitations, viewpoint, understanding, and passions. By fully going into a place of rapport with another human being, there is a melding of souls, a blending of hearts. In that place there is a true emotional caring for the needs and concerns of the other person. To go into this state of mutual absorption, there must be a surrender, a relaxation of the repulsion, an absorption of the reality of another person.

 

Until there is this very real blending of two hearts, a discussion is merely two individuals, two opposing points of view, both attempting to create an outcome favorable to their respective individual interests. Without the spirit of love present in a relationship, which is true a connection and caring for your partner's welfare, a discussion about hurts and violation of space will probably be just an exercise in winning, prevailing, and convincing the other person that I am right, and understanding why I felt hurt. If both parties are only self serving, the best possible outcome will be that both parties will feel that it was a rational and fair exchange. But, when love and justice rule the relationship, there is a blending and bonding that happens automatically. In that state we feel the depths of the other person's heart, we then want to soothe their pain and heal the underlying disease.. When negotiating under the spirit of love, the discussion is peaceful and caring because we are open to feeling and knowing the significance of the hurt.

 

We normally think of Love as that state where two people care about each other's needs, wants, and feelings so much that every effort is made to satisfy each other. Those needs may be physical, emotional, mental, and/or spiritual. The overriding force in romantic love is the desire to give and meet the beloved's needs. And, the foundation of meeting another's need is tof first understand the need. Thus, again, it is through rapport that we understand, it is through love we care.

 

Thus, the key to rapport and Love is openness, vulnerability, and a desire to receive. When I feel that I must protect myself to prevent being hurt, then meeting your needs becomes secondary to protecting my own needs. As long as I am concerned about my own survival and meeting my own needs, I will not have enough emotional space in my life to really absorb you, embrace your needs, and deeply feel your pain. My key to freedom, real joy, and true love, is putting down my own needs long enough to see your hurt, hear your pain, and really understand the fullness of your needs. Again, by giving I open the possibility of receiving.

 

Steps to creating Rapport:

 

1) Understand the Perspective:
Each party (offender & offended) must be seen as having a viewpoint that must be respected and understood sincerely

• Both the offended party and offender have a history and genetic heritage that have brought them to the point where they currently advocate for their particular habit or reaction pattern
• Both have reasons for their actions, reactions, and passions
• The rationality of each person’s perspective must be validated within his/her own system
• Feelings, while not tangible or universal, drive the human to action very strongly
• Rationality, is often based upon suppositions and beliefs about the nature of reality rather than upon true physical law and absolute necessity
• Taste, preference, desire, fears, and aversions create pleasure and pain in the soul which in turn motivates action and reaction – this in turn may be called “rational choice”. Rationality is governed by choosing options that minimize pain and maximize pleasure (on a scale of either short or long-term payoff).
• Until both parties feel heard, understood, and “gotten” regarding the system of feelings and thoughts that validated their action/reaction, the “Rapport” phase of the discussion is not complete

 

2) Respect Individuality:
In matters of taste and style, no person can claim moral superiority in his/her request for a particular behavior change of his/her partner

• Only in issues of clear ethical violation of God’s law can the moral high ground be claimed and unequivocal capitulation demanded. Even then, a justification and defense of "why this principle is God's Law" is usually required.
• Feelings, preferences, style, and taste are open to accommodation, modification, acceptance, or rejection. Who wins a particular negotiation is based upon the mutual decision of the two parties. An examination of the balance of credit and deficit, giving and taking, serving and being served will usually enter into the negotiation. In general, a balance of giving and taking, will be required, and given.
• When a deadlock in evaluating the credit/deficit state of one or other party occurs, then it is appropriate to bring the appeal to an outside authority for judging fairness and righteousness. Of the two parties. Often one party in a relationship has a very skewed view of fairness and normal behavior, and the imbalance can only be identified by an outside facilitator, mediator, and/or judge.

 

3) Serial Active Listening – Completely understanding one person at a time:

• Listen carefully to whoever starts talking first.
• Paraphrase back what they said with the phrase, “So what you’re saying is…." and end the paraphrase with the phrase, " Is that right?“
• \If it was not absolutely what was meant, or intended, then Speaker #1 should restate, and elaborate or correct the communication.
• When Speaker #1 has been fully understood, then Speaker #2 should engage the same process until he/she was fully understood to his/her satisfaction.

 

3a) Progressive Active Listening: understanding each person in parallel:

• When a point of upset arises, one person signals that he/she wants to engage in a process of progressively being understood, and understanding.
• Person A is chosen at random to start the sharing process.  Person B’s job is to listen and try to understand what is going on with Person B.  This role will last a total of 1-5 minutes, as agreed upon by the two participants.  An “egg timer” is recommended so that the actual length of time is fair, and limited.
• At the conclusion of person A’s recitation of the problem, preferably using the OFNR method of speaking, person B will speak his/her perspective for 1-5 minutes, as agreed, and held to that limit by the egg timer.
• To this point there has been no repeat-back, no mirroring, no active listening, there has only been explaining, sharing, ventilating (blame, hurt, victimization, unfairness, disappointment, anger, fear...).  Ideally the 5 minute sharing includes all the Elements of OFNR:
• O: Objective Reality: The facts of the situation as I saw it.  
• F: Feelings: My feelings about the objective reality.  
• N: Needs: Why I felt that way, my Needs, the Reasons for believing that feelings were justified.  
• R: Request: My desire for future behavior, speech, and thought patterns (beliefs, commitments, attitudes, vision).
• Speaking with many Repeat Backs: After the 5 minutes of un-mirrored ventilation has been completed by both sides, Person A starts the second segment of the process.  Person A says the same thing as he/she said in the first segment, but this time after each concept he/she asks one of the phrases that is meant to give a repeat back of the words Person A just spoke.  This is called mirroring, active listening, checking in, participatory conversation, listening for understanding, creating common understanding, or validating communication accuracy.  Person A would elicit a repeat-back by saying a phrase like:
• “What did that mean to you?”
• “Tell me what you got out of that.”
• “Let me know what you heard.”  
• “Does that make sense why I would think/feel/say that?”
• Person B does not get to take the floor at this time.  He/she just repeats back a short accurate repeat-back that lets Person A know that he/she has really understood the content of Person A’s sharing.  
• Person A continues elaborating, connecting the current situation with past hurts and concepts, past lessons of life, future worries and desires, and paints a verbal picture of the internal feeling, thought, and moral landscape that validated his/her actions, speech, and intentions.  Person A speaking and Person B listening and repeating back goes on for 5 minutes, and stops abruptly without any more words or completion.
• During this time of A speaking, and B repeating back, Person B does not give any commentary, no personal sharing, no corrections, no attack of the other person’s inaccuracy of facts, insensitivity, mistaken and inappropriate feelings, wrong moral perspective, unfair expectations.  In other words, this is just about getting into Person A’s head and heart and trying to understand why he/she felt, thought, acted and spoke that way.  Person B’s job is simply to repeat back and convey true understanding what Person A perceived, what Person A felt, why Person A felt that way, and what Person A wanted for the future.  Person B should make every attempt to really get the logic that is motivating person A.  The roles will change back and forth many times in this process, but the ultimate outcome of the exercise is that Person A understands why Person B actually, truly, really felt right, justified, and logically reasonable in acting, thinking, speaking as he/she did.   
• At the end of 5 minutes of Person A speaking, and Person B listening, the roles reverse.  This process of 5 minutes of listening and repeating back, and then reversing roles, will continue until both Person A and Person B believe and feel that they have fully, actually, totally been understood and known why they felt, acted, spoke, and thought as they did.  
• This process continues on for the length of time that has been agreed upon.  If a resolution in terms of connection, understanding, recognition of why the A and B felt, thought, spoke, acted as they did has been reached, then the Rapport phase of the conversation has been completed.  If not, and the allowed time has expired, then schedule another time to continue the process.

 

4) Successful Negotiation:

a. The key to negotiation and active listening is that both parties have a sincere heart intent to hear, know, understand, and feel the pain, joy, anger, hurt of the other person.
b. There must be an honest and mutual intent to understand, and to change behaviors so that the hurt does not happen again in the future.
c. Both parties must desire to come to a full understanding of the other person’s needs, and to desire to come to a mutually acceptable future pattern of future behavior:

• Upon conviction that he/she was wrong, the offender must desire to sooth and heal the wounds of the offended by declaring his/her intention to stop any future violations of this type.
• If the offended person comes to understand that he/she was wrong in judging the offense, the offended must vow to change his/her standards, and hence accept such behavior with a renewed framework.

d. Without this approach of meeting the needs of both parties, negotiation is simply an exercise in power, domination, control, and winning.

• It might be possible to win such an argument by various forms of force (yelling, anger, withdrawal of love or emotional support, and threats of violence), but the win is only superficial.  In relationship, a win only occurs when the couple has come to a mutual enthusiastic agreement.
• Winning an argument or forcing change in behavior is not the most important goal in confronting a violation; rather, it is seeking to break down the hardness of heart between two parties, thus enlarging the circle of circumstances where the two can engage in a mutual love and care for the other.
• The offended party must sincerely care and desire to know and understand the cause of the offense. What was the reason for the offense?
• Likewise, the offender must let down the walls, feel the hurt/irritation that he/she has caused, and experience what it is like to be in the shoes of the offended, and to feel that pain.

5) Growing in love.

• Stretch out the boundaries of your soul. Realize that you are connected body, mind, and soul with the person you have married. There is no escape, the only satisfactory solution is engaging in a blending of hearts.
• Engage in rapport, understanding, feeling, knowing your partner.
• Engage in consciously caring for the well being of your mate. The critical question to keep asking yourself, "Do I care for what she is feeling as much as I care for myself?"
• Continue to negotiate for your wants and needs, but always look at what he/she wants, and really try to understand why he/she acts or thinks a certain way, and ultimately adopt that feeling state into your own life.

 

Last Modified:

11/25/2001

\5/19/2009